11-04-2014, 08:56 AM
I like it and the imagery that you use is very spot on. "silky night air" really begins this poem well.
I would like to comment further but felt overwhelmed by the large amount of gender assignments. She, her, him, hers, etc... This really killed trying to take in the rest. I saw nice words and imagery amid the 'she's' but hated to even delve in until you have removed them.
The last line of the first three stanzas is fine. There are 15 more,(if my count was right), she, his, hers, him, etc...that I really think quite a few of them can be removed. Perhaps let context, or obvious relevance replace them. Perhaps personalize one of the sexes so we can have a 'me, I, or my'. Plus there are many descriptive words that imply what sex is being referred too, such as mentions of hips and/or thighs we would usually associate with a female. Strong arms or strong jaw may make the reader realize which of the two sexes is being spoken of.
Example:
As I pulled that thin waist closer to my body feeling the resistance wane, I was greeted with the whisper of "don't stop". Laughing inside as those tiptoes struggled to reach my ear.
There is no gender even telling who "I" was, but I believe that we can feel comfortable as to 'which sex is which?'. Notice that even at the end 'I was greeted with the whisper', it still does not clarify my sex or say that "she greeted me with a whisper of 'don't stop'. I used 'I was greeted', in place of 'she greeted me'. Then the mention of the tiptoes needed for the whisper to reach my ear further implies that it is a female that has the thin waist, and tiptoes needed to whisper into her lovers ear.
I am just an amateur so there may be a much more technical way of learning how to be ambiguous while still being plain.
Hope that helps.
I would like to comment further but felt overwhelmed by the large amount of gender assignments. She, her, him, hers, etc... This really killed trying to take in the rest. I saw nice words and imagery amid the 'she's' but hated to even delve in until you have removed them.
The last line of the first three stanzas is fine. There are 15 more,(if my count was right), she, his, hers, him, etc...that I really think quite a few of them can be removed. Perhaps let context, or obvious relevance replace them. Perhaps personalize one of the sexes so we can have a 'me, I, or my'. Plus there are many descriptive words that imply what sex is being referred too, such as mentions of hips and/or thighs we would usually associate with a female. Strong arms or strong jaw may make the reader realize which of the two sexes is being spoken of.
Example:
As I pulled that thin waist closer to my body feeling the resistance wane, I was greeted with the whisper of "don't stop". Laughing inside as those tiptoes struggled to reach my ear.
There is no gender even telling who "I" was, but I believe that we can feel comfortable as to 'which sex is which?'. Notice that even at the end 'I was greeted with the whisper', it still does not clarify my sex or say that "she greeted me with a whisper of 'don't stop'. I used 'I was greeted', in place of 'she greeted me'. Then the mention of the tiptoes needed for the whisper to reach my ear further implies that it is a female that has the thin waist, and tiptoes needed to whisper into her lovers ear.
I am just an amateur so there may be a much more technical way of learning how to be ambiguous while still being plain.
Hope that helps.