11-04-2014, 06:47 AM
I like it. I probably need read it a couple more times but here's what I thought anyway.
In gloss of pearl the prim and petalled wrap keeps secret
all that bees see as their own. The tulip opens wide to winds - Immediately I thought hid is better than secret. The line flows better and there's a near rhyme with
of March, that blast and blow then dries the bloom. - winds. Then I heard secret/bees see and maybe you're right. dry the bloom?
No sight outlooks the flaming globes, but space the ink of depth belies - I don't get the first half of the lines. Do you mean outstares? For me,
but space the depth of ink would be very much better.
A man can stand and cry at death, when sparks of life he watches fade; - ideally, watches needs be past tense, don't you think? Maybe it works as it is.
In gloss of pearl the prim and petalled wrap keeps secret
all that bees see as their own. The tulip opens wide to winds - Immediately I thought hid is better than secret. The line flows better and there's a near rhyme with
of March, that blast and blow then dries the bloom. - winds. Then I heard secret/bees see and maybe you're right. dry the bloom?
No sight outlooks the flaming globes, but space the ink of depth belies - I don't get the first half of the lines. Do you mean outstares? For me,
but space the depth of ink would be very much better.
A man can stand and cry at death, when sparks of life he watches fade; - ideally, watches needs be past tense, don't you think? Maybe it works as it is.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.