Star-Crossed Lovers

[coolfunboy]

I have mixed feelings about this poem; on the one hand, I think your use of language is very effective at times, but on the other, as has already been said, I can't help but find the subject matter a little bit trite. I think if you took the poem in a more abstract, less representational direction, it could still be successful though.

His lips upon mine,
Like a hot summer night,
Making love
In the pale moonlight[.]
His eyes staring into mine,
As the stars shine bright
Reflecting in our eyes,
He had asked for one last dance
Before the night came to an end,
Ending up
In the truck bed, [Elaborate about this truck bed-- even though you seem to find it magical, there is something definitively unromantic and bleak about sex in a truck bed.]
With kisses sending sparks
Flashing across our little sky,
Making two star crossed lovers
Falling in love
In the dead of the night...

Modern Romeo and Juliet

-CM-

It needs work so any advice would be awesome!