A flower in full bloom

[Brownlie]

Now, I've always thought my syntax was great, but I'm a fellow whose fond of malapropisms (though sometimes I never know it until much later).

A flower in full bloom can't stay,
Yet knows not that it must go; -- The syntax here feels unnatural to me.
As perhaps one might decline each day
And of life's cruel design not know.

But I, not blessed with falsities,
Fall victim to despair.
Oh, how sweet the ironies
That I, success won't spare. -- Again, the syntax seems off. It sounds inverted here, to me.


The cause of my mortality
Reveals itself, when applied,
As my own mortality;
And to this, I must subside.

Now, the syntax is the major thing that can be fixed immediately. Wordsworth (though I'm no expert in Wordsworth) would say that poetry should be like prose in meter, or something like that. It seems like a fairly decent axiom. If you're going to write about flowers, I would suggest maybe researching them so you can add some more details, but I don't really know much about that. Now, I'm not speaking to you as a guru. I'm just a guy reading some stuff and giving an opinion that's probably wrong to a degree. I like the use of meter and the apparent knowledge of grammar (though that's a horribly racist thing I just said). However, I'd tentatively tell you to be careful about the rhymes that highlight abstractions. Good luck.