10-31-2014, 06:20 PM
for me the downfall of the poem was the conversation. it took away my imagination and didn't allow me into the poem as much as dragged me into it. other than that it wasn't to bad
(10-31-2014, 08:29 AM)Keith Wrote: The sherry glass squeaked
inside the tea towel the first two lines gave me a solid image, and i heard the squeak.
as Jack finished off
the last of his supper dishes.
He switched off the kitchen light,
settled down for the nightly news. i can't decide if i'd prefer and [and] to start or not
His fingers waggled for attention, is for attention needed or could the reader deduce why he waggled them?
roughly licked by a friendly tongue. i like waggled and dog anything with waggle in , goes with dog.
Eyes closed behind strong readers
as the completed crossword no need for [as]
slid over his belly onto the floor.
Unaware of the pair arguing outside.
You do it.
Get stuffed it was your idea.
Do it you wimp.
No, it was your idea you do it.
Ha, I always knew you had no balls,
wait till I tell the rest of the lads.
Ok! Give it here then,
but you’re doing the next one. i'm not sure this stanza is needed, for me it destroys the poem by making it more like the split of chapters in a book
The boy scurried to Jack’s door
and rattled the brass knocker,
lit the Banger, shouted wanker a suggestion would be to put [wanker] on its own line
and dropped it through the letterbox.
On top of the mail
Jack was too frail to pick up. i know what's coming
The TV was louder than a Western
and Jack could sleep through gun shots,
never heard the knock or the call,
didn't smell the smoke as it blinded the hall. i like the image you gave of the smoke from the fire being heavy/thick