the lovers are weeping inside

[just mercedes]

Hi Ben - you have some great imagery here, also some problems. Format for me is really important when I read a poem. With caps at the start of each line, the flow of the poem is interrupted.

The lovers are
Weeping inside, Can you show me that, rather than telling me? Let me work it out for myself.
Lying upon satin sheets,
Ruffled and undone;
It’s a clean spring night,
The dew on the grass relaxes, That's a new image!
The toads croak,
Far off.
They glow like two bulbs, Who? The toads?
Pale in the new moon.
The lovers are young,
They’re bodies are supple. Again, I don't like being told. Show me them doing something so I know they're young and supple
Their eyes refuse
Stripping themselves, each other.
The sharing of flesh is
Unknown to them, Do you mean they're virgins or about to become cannibals?
Black curling hair,
Imperfect,
Various flaws
Show themselves.
Brownish marks on the skin,
Layers. Those last five lines all say much the same thing, Find one or two words for it.
Awkward, worried
Their aims unselfish; This eye of God is making me feel like a voyeur
He touches her forehead,
Sweating.
Her body flattens,
He hides himself.
A doorway,
Opening,
Slithering,
Exploring.
The lovers are
Weeping inside. You'll have to find a new title, or change this final couplet, I think.

Thanks for posting your poem!