10-29-2014, 10:53 PM
It is rather wordy at some parts, which at first felt deliberate. Upon further reading, however, I find that this actually makes the narrator's personality feel a little inconsistent. This may be due to cultural differences, because some of the lines do not read like colloquial English to me, and that takes me out of the stream of thought. Overall it is actually a very effective poem that leaves an impact, and a few discerning edits will make it more powerful.
Last night I watched the news but found it hard to stay awake. -- A suggestion: Last night the news made it hard to stay awake.
I used to get depressed...no...I suppose you were right,
I got angry then, or so you said. I thought that... -- These stream-of-consciousness lines communicate the mental and emotional state of the narrator effectively. Personally I would remove 'that'.
I can't remember what I thought but these days I just fall asleep. -- Why 'but'? Also, another suggestion: I can't remember, and just fall asleep these days.
I wish I still got angry, but without you to notice I don't see the point.
I don't see the point. Yes. I guess it has come to that.
It feels kind of liberating to say it. I don't see the point. -- The repetition works really well here. Although you can think about using 'pointless' instead.
All those years we planned our lives, plan A and B.
You go first or I go first. Plan C we thought about but -- 'You go first or I go first' reads a little awkwardly for me. Maybe 'Me first, or you first.'
the chances of simultaneous death...God, how long we took
to say the D-word...well, it just wouldn't happen. --'well, there was just no way.'
And it didn't. Wouldn't have mattered anyway. -- Just for consistency sake, 'No way at all.'
So last night I turned off the tv and the heating.
I opened the window and watched the moon dodging the night.
I'm pretty determined, you know, to write this. It is time.
The news will say it was a cold night, no frost but a blustery old gale
whistling in from Siberia.Siberia always got the blame. Hypothermia.
I still enjoyed my scotch before bed. Habit. I even asked you if,
if...silly really. I know it. It's just that last night
I thought I heard you say,
" Yes, I'll have a small Cointreau"... -- Really beautiful ending. Especially the last 4 lines.
Last night I watched the news but found it hard to stay awake. -- A suggestion: Last night the news made it hard to stay awake.
I used to get depressed...no...I suppose you were right,
I got angry then, or so you said. I thought that... -- These stream-of-consciousness lines communicate the mental and emotional state of the narrator effectively. Personally I would remove 'that'.
I can't remember what I thought but these days I just fall asleep. -- Why 'but'? Also, another suggestion: I can't remember, and just fall asleep these days.
I wish I still got angry, but without you to notice I don't see the point.
I don't see the point. Yes. I guess it has come to that.
It feels kind of liberating to say it. I don't see the point. -- The repetition works really well here. Although you can think about using 'pointless' instead.
All those years we planned our lives, plan A and B.
You go first or I go first. Plan C we thought about but -- 'You go first or I go first' reads a little awkwardly for me. Maybe 'Me first, or you first.'
the chances of simultaneous death...God, how long we took
to say the D-word...well, it just wouldn't happen. --'well, there was just no way.'
And it didn't. Wouldn't have mattered anyway. -- Just for consistency sake, 'No way at all.'
So last night I turned off the tv and the heating.
I opened the window and watched the moon dodging the night.
I'm pretty determined, you know, to write this. It is time.
The news will say it was a cold night, no frost but a blustery old gale
whistling in from Siberia.Siberia always got the blame. Hypothermia.
I still enjoyed my scotch before bed. Habit. I even asked you if,
if...silly really. I know it. It's just that last night
I thought I heard you say,
" Yes, I'll have a small Cointreau"... -- Really beautiful ending. Especially the last 4 lines.
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