10-29-2014, 07:45 PM
in places it feels a bit wordy (near the top quarter) but the end where the person who was left behind (the wife could like an odd scotch and the guy a contwhatever it was) took their own life was quite powerful. the pay off in the poem was excellent, the journey to it needs (just) a little bit of work
(10-27-2014, 12:03 AM)tectak Wrote: Last night I watched the news but found it hard to stay awake. a suggestion would be [news, it was hard to stay awake]
I used to get depressed...no...I suppose you were right,
I got angry then, or so you said. I thought that...
I can't remember what I thought but these days I just fall asleep.
I wish I still got angry, but without you to notice I don't see the point.
I don't see the point. Yes. I guess it has come to that. could the [i don't see the point] be rephrased in order to remove the repetition?
It feels kind of liberating to say it. I don't see the point. this one feels okay as it's a statement about the first one mentioned.
All those years we planned our lives, plan A and B.
You go first or I go first. Plan C we thought about but
the chances of simultaneous death...God, how long we took i like this line, i'm sure many have had similar thoughts/ talks it has a sort of down to earth and sensible feel about it
to say the D-word...well, it just wouldn't happen.
And it didn't. Wouldn't have mattered anyway.
So last night I turned off the tv and the heating.
I opened the window and watched the moon dodging the night. lovely line, lovely image
I'm pretty determined, you know, to write this. It is time.
The news will say it was a cold night, no frost but a blustery old gale
whistling in from Siberia.Siberia always got the blame. Hypothermia.
I still enjoyed my scotch before bed. Habit. I even asked you if,
if...silly really. I know it. It's just that last night
I thought I heard you say,
" Yes, I'll have a small Cointreau"...
tectak2014
still here