10-29-2014, 06:42 PM
just to add a bit of weight to what owl and reiterate that you have some cliche in the poem that could be changed for original phrases. the first four lines are basically an extended cliche (four in one) a suggestion would be to do away with the first four lines (the title does the job just as well) and start the poem at:
In your sights all flames are dull,
another suggestion would be to edit out as amny small words as you can i've pointed some of them out in bold in the body of the poem, there are more you could remove. dull/soul doesn't rhyme. there are other problems with the poem that hopefully others will point out.
In your sights all flames are dull,
another suggestion would be to edit out as amny small words as you can i've pointed some of them out in bold in the body of the poem, there are more you could remove. dull/soul doesn't rhyme. there are other problems with the poem that hopefully others will point out.
(10-27-2014, 07:46 AM)drithebee Wrote: You are the day.
I am the night.
You are the light.
I am the dark.
But in your sights all flames are dull,i quite like sights as it can be seen in more than one way.
and embers embrace a stiller soul.
You shine so bright it's hard to bare,
so I offer you my cloak to wear.
For my embrace on either side,
gives mortal eyes a place to hide.
The fairest face has power more
than earthly creatures can endure.
And what a pity it would find
to, by your brilliance, turn them blind.
The world of light can now be shown,
because my shadow has been thrown.
You are the day.
I am the night.
And by my darkness,
light is known.