The king of the yard
#3
I wrote some notes on the poem below.
Also, the word "king" is pretty darn prevalent within the poem. Maybe you could come up with a really creative way of telling the reader that this bird is a king of sorts, instead of just repeating "king"? Including the title; it is very direct . . . maybe something a bit more innovative could take its place? The concept doesn't have to change, the word choice just seems to need some revising.

Quote:An array of blue hues painted on his feathers, I like this, I really do, but I feel as if due to the nature of this particular poem, the whole work could benefit from a more original, in depth illustration of a/the blue jay (not necessarily a lengthy one, but a much more dense portrayal for sure). Also, this is the first line of the poem, which makes this line crucial to how the audience is going to read through the remaining lines of the poem. How else could you describe the beauty of blue feathers?
a crown of similar color spiking from his head,
beauty bestowed by Darwin's theory. To me, this doesn't sit too well . . . I think it's interesting that you're backtracking the origins of this bird's beauty, but it's also referencing a relatively redundant topic considering what this poem seems to be about.

his shadow demands respect from inferiors below, Did you purposefully not capitalize "his"? If so, why?
soaring, screeching, moving about,
no algorithmic patterns for the king himself,
who dare lurk above him? This whole stanza isn't a question (you also did this with the next stanza), therefore I feel as if the punctuation needs to be revised. I'm not sure if this is a style-type or not (if so, then you can kick this suggestion to the curb), it just seems disconcerting to me. Besides that, the ideas and mental images I got from this line are quite nice.

giving orders with song, Geez. Your capitalization choices! If this in fact a style I'm unaware of, or a writing technique, then I'd appreciate if you could possibly enlighten me. I'm totally serious, I'm still learning and I'd like to know if you've seen another writer do this.
springing from his majestic organs,
who dare challenge the kings tongue? Both this line and the line prior are definitely keepers.

perhaps he knows these natural laws, This makes me dislike L3 again . . . A law is different than a theory. Maybe you could reference part of this "law" that the bird might know in L3 instead of referencing a theory? Maybe say something interesting about aerodonetics-- paralleling the bird's precise movements somehow. Just a suggestion!
for he is king Blue Jay,
king of the yard. Hm. "Yard" seems limiting to what bird's are capable of. I honestly don't know much about birds, but I'm pretty sure that they're very adventurous animals, roaming from place to place. This bird is a KING! That's so amazing-- he deserves a much larger kingdom than just a measly yard. Plus, he doesn't seem incredibly humble, so a small kingdom would never do.
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Messages In This Thread
The king of the yard - by J.C. Fontenot - 10-28-2014, 08:51 AM
RE: The king of the yard - by rowens - 10-29-2014, 03:02 AM
RE: The king of the yard - by Owl - 10-29-2014, 03:31 PM
RE: The king of the yard - by billy - 10-29-2014, 06:46 PM
RE: The king of the yard - by J.C. Fontenot - 10-30-2014, 05:17 AM
RE: The king of the yard - by ray - 10-30-2014, 05:54 AM
RE: The king of the yard - by SimikPK - 10-30-2014, 09:33 PM
RE: The king of the yard - by J.C. Fontenot - 10-31-2014, 12:24 PM
RE: The king of the yard - by SimikPK - 10-31-2014, 07:57 PM



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