10-29-2014, 02:03 AM
Looking at all 3 versions, I prefer the original. I think the current 3rd and 4th stanzas are fine, rather good, in fact.
Divested of my white coat, - It's a mistake to open with this in my opinion. The 2 opening lines should go after the digital density stanza and the other 2 aren't needed.
wrapped in a feather sofa,
I tilt my glass
forty five degrees.
A ring of tears forms - I prefer the simplicity of the original version - with correct grammar!
and one by one,
sequentially by age
the drops
fade and re-form.
At the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls vaporise.
Gravity fed legs
run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.
The boiling flask continues
to flame the remains.
Whorls of water bleed
and diffuse into the mix;
drip by drip to volumetric completion. - an improvement, I think
You read the final proof - this is where I begin to think that the science overcomes the poetry
at the digital density meter bench,
temperature compensated to twenty degrees C,
it reads weight by volume.
I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.
Under proof
there is no spark.
This is my preferred ending
Divested of my white coat,
wrapped in a feather sofa,
I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.
Under proof
there is no spark
Divested of my white coat, - It's a mistake to open with this in my opinion. The 2 opening lines should go after the digital density stanza and the other 2 aren't needed.
wrapped in a feather sofa,
I tilt my glass
forty five degrees.
A ring of tears forms - I prefer the simplicity of the original version - with correct grammar!
and one by one,
sequentially by age
the drops
fade and re-form.
At the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls vaporise.
Gravity fed legs
run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.
The boiling flask continues
to flame the remains.
Whorls of water bleed
and diffuse into the mix;
drip by drip to volumetric completion. - an improvement, I think
You read the final proof - this is where I begin to think that the science overcomes the poetry
at the digital density meter bench,
temperature compensated to twenty degrees C,
it reads weight by volume.
I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.
Under proof
there is no spark.
This is my preferred ending
Divested of my white coat,
wrapped in a feather sofa,
I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.
Under proof
there is no spark
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.