Red Plague

[milo]

A concrete fallacy plagues the youth,
forsaken bonds of brotherhood,
steers its way up the crimson slough.

Layers, veiling the absolute,
the uprooting of stability
threaten to grab helm,
man against man,
man against nature,
man against himself;
a timeless battle,
pitted against mountain and sea
sparring apparitions cloaked as warriors
weilding naught, but dreams of immortality

drop the malicious tyranny
disguised as eden, my youth.
the fallacies of man end in in blood, this is definite
for the absolute is tangible
and without need for veils

scribbled in history
there is a dream of recurrence
nobility, without persona, meets man
an everlasting truce,
creating infinity in the finite, ensues
this, my youth,
the palpable truth



*i understand the format is rough, please post on the context and evoking emotion more than the structure of my poem, this is not my finished product of format*

for me, this falls flat. It really is an endless list of nonsense that must mean something to you but won't to any of your readers.  Good poetry is built on the foundation of concrete details.  

In addition to the abstractions (and there are a lot) there is quite a bit of cliche with no real imagery or details for a reader to sink their teeth into. A good deal of it cannot even be parsed into English sentences -  " . . . there is a dream of recurrence nobility, without persona, meets man . . ."  What?

"the absolute is tangible" - what on earth could this possibly mean?

"layers, veiling the absolute" - layers of what?  Absolute what?  Do you mean absolution?

"threaten to grab helm" - layers are threatening to grab a hat?  Why would anyone care of unidentified layers grabbed a hat?

"palpable truth" - what is the difference between a palpable truth and an impalpable truth?

For the most part, I think it fails on many layers and none of them really grab my hat.

Welcome to the site.  Good Luck!