10-27-2014, 12:41 AM
smiles, laughing wiles
unwanted limits defiled
then, i would unzip your trousers <<"then," seems unnecessary
and in your groin plant fragrant flowers <<"and within your groin, plant fragrant flowers" add within for more eloquence
blossoms of wet honey <<wording confuses the metaphor? honey is not wet, as much as it is .. sticky or syrupy. I would suggest either a metaphor for something wet, or description that matches the consistency of honey, or maybe you could say "blossoms of warm honey"
full of fire, passions and desires
by whimsy, wanting your power
The fires of two
consumed together
endure then
reluctant surrender
as slight the dying embers
on the cold stone floor <<maybe speak more of "the end" of the relations like, focus on ending this stanza by further describing what is happening to the embers, such as "grow cool, hungering fresh timbers" to omit the repetition of "stone cold floor" from the last stanza
the temporal of such we find
and that with tears
we leave behind
although sublime
a moment of that open door
is now but dust
on a cold stone floor
unwanted limits defiled
then, i would unzip your trousers <<"then," seems unnecessary
and in your groin plant fragrant flowers <<"and within your groin, plant fragrant flowers" add within for more eloquence
blossoms of wet honey <<wording confuses the metaphor? honey is not wet, as much as it is .. sticky or syrupy. I would suggest either a metaphor for something wet, or description that matches the consistency of honey, or maybe you could say "blossoms of warm honey"
full of fire, passions and desires
by whimsy, wanting your power
The fires of two
consumed together
endure then
reluctant surrender
as slight the dying embers
on the cold stone floor <<maybe speak more of "the end" of the relations like, focus on ending this stanza by further describing what is happening to the embers, such as "grow cool, hungering fresh timbers" to omit the repetition of "stone cold floor" from the last stanza
the temporal of such we find
and that with tears
we leave behind
although sublime
a moment of that open door
is now but dust
on a cold stone floor