10-27-2014, 12:05 AM
I agree that, due to the uncertainty of audience, there needs to be either a more simple language or more intricate. I think that the mix keeps the poem off balance. I replaced some of the simpler words with some that have a bit more complexity to take it in the latter direction.
Teddy Bear Knight
The nightlight making a bubble of light << "The glowing orb creates a bubble of light" To break the repetition of "light" & add to the imagery that I think is good for a strong beginning.
Keeping away things that bump in the night
An ethereal cloak holding you tight
To help fight off the creature’s might.
In the world of dreams, monsters hunt and roam
Looking for a child’s mind to call home. <<I love this, but I think it needs a few more words or different wording "Looking for a child's mind to make their own"
Through the child’s fears and frights they will comb. <<"Through their fears and frights they will comb"
Not realizing no kid goes it alone. <<"Not realizing the kid doesn't go it alone"
For by their side, a champion will stand
Wielding a sword forged by might in their hand.<<"Wielding a sword forged by might in his hand"
With blue glass eyes, fur the color of sand
Ancient leather armor aged so tan. <<I enjoy the imagery created by "ancient" and "armor" but I feel as though "aged" is redundant as we know things that are ancient are aged.
A Teddy Bear Knight to defend his home
His shield holds off the monsters mighty blow <<"His shield protects from the creature's mighty blow"
Sending a message all monsters should know <<"Sending a message to all monster foe"
That no kid will ever go it alone.
Teddy Bear Knight
The nightlight making a bubble of light << "The glowing orb creates a bubble of light" To break the repetition of "light" & add to the imagery that I think is good for a strong beginning.
Keeping away things that bump in the night
An ethereal cloak holding you tight
To help fight off the creature’s might.
In the world of dreams, monsters hunt and roam
Looking for a child’s mind to call home. <<I love this, but I think it needs a few more words or different wording "Looking for a child's mind to make their own"
Through the child’s fears and frights they will comb. <<"Through their fears and frights they will comb"
Not realizing no kid goes it alone. <<"Not realizing the kid doesn't go it alone"
For by their side, a champion will stand
Wielding a sword forged by might in their hand.<<"Wielding a sword forged by might in his hand"
With blue glass eyes, fur the color of sand
Ancient leather armor aged so tan. <<I enjoy the imagery created by "ancient" and "armor" but I feel as though "aged" is redundant as we know things that are ancient are aged.
A Teddy Bear Knight to defend his home
His shield holds off the monsters mighty blow <<"His shield protects from the creature's mighty blow"
Sending a message all monsters should know <<"Sending a message to all monster foe"
That no kid will ever go it alone.