10-23-2014, 04:03 AM
The rhymes aren't good. That's obvious in just one rhyme
He cares not if her heart is already claimed,
For he wishes to tell her what he is named.
But the others aren't much better. The reason for this is that the poem is weakened by the out of control rhyming. You might could say something far more interesting and even poetic if you don't rely on the easiest words and ideas to meet your rhyme scheme. Maybe you didn't do that. But it seems like you did.
An honest desire for this woman is a must,
One not fed by the fire of lust.
How can there be an honest desire without lust? That could be a poem in itself.
He cares not if her heart is already claimed,
For he wishes to tell her what he is named.
But the others aren't much better. The reason for this is that the poem is weakened by the out of control rhyming. You might could say something far more interesting and even poetic if you don't rely on the easiest words and ideas to meet your rhyme scheme. Maybe you didn't do that. But it seems like you did.
An honest desire for this woman is a must,
One not fed by the fire of lust.
How can there be an honest desire without lust? That could be a poem in itself.