A cynic's view on love and bliss

[billy]

at first read it seems to have some good images and phrases but after that (on subsequent reads) nothing changes, i recently made a comment somewhere that for me good poetry gives the reader something different on each read. that isn't happening here. 2nd time round a fair bit feels like a stock reply. breaking up and lost love and all that goes with it is very hard to write about in  new ways. or in ways that create real emotion in the reader. sometime you can use symbolism to share a mood. a good original simile can be an emotional key that opens up the reader.  i don't think it would take much to make it original. spend a while thinking about how best you can connect the reader to what the 1st person in the poem feels like.  sorry for over extending the feedback,  use or discard as you see fit.

A cynic's view on love and bliss

Every time a wasted line
we went to get coffee at Joe's no need for we went to get it's redundant because you're having coffe at joes, that in and of itself shows you went there.
Joe's wasn't called "Joe's, Of All the Places We'd Meet!" i see no reason for [Of All the Places We'd Meet!] in the way it's written; i could understand
Joe's wasn't called

"Joe's,"

of all the places to meet


Now every time every time is wasted here as well, now suffices the transition from us to they needs a line or two to smooth over the transition from had to lost.
they skip down the sidewalk
I see the ants crushed by their feet. i quite like this line, it's the kind of silly things we notice in instances of a break, we see how bad they really are, [ant killing bastards.]

And every time
he plucks her a flower
I see the stem shrivel behind. behind what, or do you mean the term he leaves shrivel which feels like a good metaphor in which the stem is you or the love you feel/felt

And every time
her ring catches the light
I see the war around African mines. here is one of the lines i mention, it doesn't feel real i see blood diamonds captures something nasty and in a more abrupt way. can it rephrased to add something more powerful, i see the hurt and anger but i'm not seeing it in words.

And every time
a wooden alter is built does this happen often, use images readers can relate to.
I see workers chopping the tree. heres another phrase that feels like it was on sale somewhere in the buy me phrase section.

And every time
she turns to look in his eyes
I see her eyes turning from me.