Demon

[Todd]

Hello, So, some basic comments here. Let me step back from rhyme for a second and focus on the content. The I am repetition gets very old very quickly. I would just as soon move it to the title somehow or cut back on the number of I am statements you make. There is also a lot of abstraction in these lines. The strongest lines have a sensory component to them. Let me give some examples:

Demon

I am the anger in your heart--Not sensory in the slightest purely abstract
I am the thunder in your veins--This however is very nice thunder implies sound and there is a pulse in the veins so this works well.
I am the rage that tears apart
I am the carnage of the flame

I am the whispers in the dark
I am the fears you can't explain
I am the scar, the taboo mark--Again this is simple and visual, so it works
I am the crumbling of the sane

I am the shadows of your past
I am the flaw that brings you shame
I am the murmurs through the glass--this line has a nice sensory component
I am the thought that gives you pain

Perish, insect; soon you shall know
Injustice is the demon's creed
Those high shall soon be brought down low
For pain is truth; now all shall bleed--This last stanza is too abrupt and too short given the length of the poem you may want to consider an echoing effect speaker 1/speaker 2 throughout.

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And yes, the break in rhythm in line 13 is intentional.

Just some thoughts,

Todd