Demon

[billy]

i am poems like love poems have to be very good in order to succeed. here you use the word [the] to follow the [i am's ] they only add to the mundanity of the poem. what would poem read like without most of the [i am the's]. (just a suggestion to show how less can sometimes be more.) if you used original phrases instead of a lot of the cliches your poem would read a lot better and interest the reader more.


I am anger in your heart
thunder in your veins
rage that tears apart
carnage of the flame

whispers in the dark
fears you can't explain
the scar, the taboo mark
I am the crumbling of the sane

the shadows of your past
a flaw that brings you shame
murmurs through the glass
I am the thought that gives you pain

Perish, insect; soon you shall know
Injustice is the demon's creed
Those high shall soon be brought down low
For pain is truth; now all shall bleed

Demon

I am the anger in your heart
I am the thunder in your veins
I am the rage that tears apart
I am the carnage of the flame

I am the whispers in the dark
I am the fears you can't explain
I am the scar, the taboo mark
I am the crumbling of the sane

I am the shadows of your past
I am the flaw that brings you shame
I am the murmurs through the glass
I am the thought that gives you pain

Perish, insect; soon you shall know
Injustice is the demon's creed
Those high shall soon be brought down low
For pain is truth; now all shall bleed

---

And yes, the break in rhythm in line 13 is intentional. [why]