10-21-2014, 11:33 AM
Welp. Someone who thinks line 13 has an "intentional break of the rhythm" instead of a trochee of the tetrameter iamb foot may have a bit to learn and because this is posted in Serious Workshopping, I'm going to rip it to shreds, so I hope you have a thick skin. It is, as the cliché says, nothing personal.
First things first: The use of ABAB CDCD etc pattern is sing-songy (think of nursery rhymes) and it very very rarely works for a dark poems, and imo it doesn't work here. To me the entire poem just reeks of teen-aged angst...maybe that's what you're going for, but at this point in my life, I've had enough of it.
To the poem!
Demon
I am the anger in your heart
I am the thunder in your veins
I am the rage that tears apart <
I am the carnage of the flame <>
I am the whispers in the dark
I am the fears you can't explain
I am the scar, the taboo mark
I am the crumbling of the sane <>
I am the shadows of your past
I am the flaw that brings you shame
I am the murmurs through the glass
I am the thought that gives you pain <>
Perish, insect; soon you shall know
Injustice is the demon's creed
Those high shall soon be brought down low
For pain is truth; now all shall bleed
Final take-away: I've seen you crit others' poetry, and you point out clichés all the time, so I know you know what they are. But this piece is pretty much a list, and has its share of clichés.
The rhymes are simplistic and often the line seems driven by the end rhyme...in other words, if you needed a word to rhyme with 'now' you'd do your damnest to find a mad cow...whether that made any sense in the poem or not. To me there is just not enough substance here that hadn't been said before albeit in slightly different ways.
so if you boiled this poem down it would be:
I am a demon.
I am everything you think a demon would be.
While I find you insignificant,
I'm still going to bother with taking you to hell.
And that's it.
To quote one of my best friends June:
"Untangle the roses and blood from your idea of red.
Give me clay. Give me rage. Give me the skin
that stretches far beyond the surface of touch."
Do I expect too much? Hell yeah I do. I've read your critiques...you can do much better than this.
How's that thick skin holding up?
Happy writing,
mel/bena the bitch
First things first: The use of ABAB CDCD etc pattern is sing-songy (think of nursery rhymes) and it very very rarely works for a dark poems, and imo it doesn't work here. To me the entire poem just reeks of teen-aged angst...maybe that's what you're going for, but at this point in my life, I've had enough of it.
To the poem!
Demon
I am the anger in your heart
I am the thunder in your veins
I am the rage that tears apart <
I am the carnage of the flame <
I am the whispers in the dark
I am the fears you can't explain
I am the scar, the taboo mark
I am the crumbling of the sane <
I am the shadows of your past
I am the flaw that brings you shame
I am the murmurs through the glass
I am the thought that gives you pain <
Perish, insect; soon you shall know
Injustice is the demon's creed
Those high shall soon be brought down low
For pain is truth; now all shall bleed
Final take-away: I've seen you crit others' poetry, and you point out clichés all the time, so I know you know what they are. But this piece is pretty much a list, and has its share of clichés.
The rhymes are simplistic and often the line seems driven by the end rhyme...in other words, if you needed a word to rhyme with 'now' you'd do your damnest to find a mad cow...whether that made any sense in the poem or not. To me there is just not enough substance here that hadn't been said before albeit in slightly different ways.
so if you boiled this poem down it would be:
I am a demon.
I am everything you think a demon would be.
While I find you insignificant,
I'm still going to bother with taking you to hell.
And that's it.
To quote one of my best friends June:
"Untangle the roses and blood from your idea of red.
Give me clay. Give me rage. Give me the skin
that stretches far beyond the surface of touch."
Do I expect too much? Hell yeah I do. I've read your critiques...you can do much better than this.
How's that thick skin holding up?
Happy writing,
mel/bena the bitch