10-20-2014, 02:58 AM
Edit 2.
I'm not convinced about this, left unsure what was actually wrong with the original or edit 1...any / all comments about the edits or the original appreciated.
Distilled
Divested of my white coat,
wrapped in a feather sofa,
I tilt my glass
forty five degrees.
A ring of tears forms
and one by one,
sequentially by age
the drops
fade and re-form.
At the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls vaporise.
Gravity fed legs
run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.
The boiling flask continues
to flame the remains.
Whorls of water bleed
and diffuse into the mix;
drip by drip to volumetric completion.
You read the final proof
at the digital density meter bench,
temperature compensated to twenty degrees C,
it reads weight by volume.
I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.
Under proof
there is no spark.
Edit 1.
Okay i have moved the vaporise up a line in response to Tectac's suggestion, but i could do with a bit more feedback on a couple of thoughts before i set about an edit proper.
This is set in a lab - I was aiming for a present tense open & close on the lab assistant having a glass of wine (alone) at home, with past tense reflections on her work in the lab.
Do these settings need to be more clearly identified to give this poem clarity, as from the feedback recieved I am left thinking that the lab setting element of the poem was not really working or clear enough for the reader to pick up the images and also the idea of the wine glass to start finish the poem is equally not communicating.
Perhaps a clasic writers mistake because i have a very clear (and well known) image which I have used but it seems to have not translated very well.
Any comments or thoughts welcome.
Many thanks AJ.
[b]
Distilled [/b](Editited before comments)
A ring of tears form,
drop back,
re-form.
Caught at the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls vaporise.
Gravity fed legs collect
and run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.
Unwatched the boiling flask
flames the remains.
Whorls of water
bleed and diffuse into the mix.
The final proof,
at the digital density meter bench,
reads weight by volume.
I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.
Under proof
there is no spark.
original as posted
Distilled
A ring of tears form,
drop back,
and re-form.
Caught at the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls
vaporise.
Gravity fed legs collect
and run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.
Unwatched the boiling flask
continues to flame the remains.
Whorls of water
bleed and diffuse into the mix.
The final proof,
at the digital density meter bench,
gives a reading of weight by volume.
I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.
I'm not convinced about this, left unsure what was actually wrong with the original or edit 1...any / all comments about the edits or the original appreciated.
Distilled
Divested of my white coat,
wrapped in a feather sofa,
I tilt my glass
forty five degrees.
A ring of tears forms
and one by one,
sequentially by age
the drops
fade and re-form.
At the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls vaporise.
Gravity fed legs
run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.
The boiling flask continues
to flame the remains.
Whorls of water bleed
and diffuse into the mix;
drip by drip to volumetric completion.
You read the final proof
at the digital density meter bench,
temperature compensated to twenty degrees C,
it reads weight by volume.
I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.
Under proof
there is no spark.
Edit 1.
Okay i have moved the vaporise up a line in response to Tectac's suggestion, but i could do with a bit more feedback on a couple of thoughts before i set about an edit proper.
This is set in a lab - I was aiming for a present tense open & close on the lab assistant having a glass of wine (alone) at home, with past tense reflections on her work in the lab.
Do these settings need to be more clearly identified to give this poem clarity, as from the feedback recieved I am left thinking that the lab setting element of the poem was not really working or clear enough for the reader to pick up the images and also the idea of the wine glass to start finish the poem is equally not communicating.
Perhaps a clasic writers mistake because i have a very clear (and well known) image which I have used but it seems to have not translated very well.
Any comments or thoughts welcome.
Many thanks AJ.
[b]
Distilled [/b](Editited before comments)
A ring of tears form,
drop back,
re-form.
Caught at the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls vaporise.
Gravity fed legs collect
and run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.
Unwatched the boiling flask
flames the remains.
Whorls of water
bleed and diffuse into the mix.
The final proof,
at the digital density meter bench,
reads weight by volume.
I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.
Under proof
there is no spark.
original as posted
Distilled
A ring of tears form,
drop back,
and re-form.
Caught at the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls
vaporise.
Gravity fed legs collect
and run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.
Unwatched the boiling flask
continues to flame the remains.
Whorls of water
bleed and diffuse into the mix.
The final proof,
at the digital density meter bench,
gives a reading of weight by volume.
I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.