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[stevesteve]

Nice job with this. There a lot of things I like, some nice images and I like the use of repetition. There are definitely some lines where you have to avoid cliches, that just seems to be the nature of this kind of poem. This is particularly apparent in the last line of the first stanza where I bet you could benefit from putting something that furthers the idea a little more off the beaten path. Some of the words here and there may be treading this line too: lonesome, abysmal, yearning etc. I'm not saying to take all of them out or replace them, just to be mindful of how you use them.

Good work!