< the paper wasps >

[rayheinrich]

Hi Ray,
another solid and profound write from you.  
I know that this is in misc and that generally you do not workshop as such, but i will leave you my thoughts for you to toss or consider as you see fit.

Note: To confuse and bewilder (and out of sloth), all changes below are reflected above and not in the text below.


                                                          < the paper wasps >
                                                     
                                                   build their nest out      
                                                   from the white boards under
                                                   the eaves of my mom's house
                                                   that will be mine someday     
                                                   and i see them each day (since they're above the kitchen door)      Felt like I either did not need the extra info in brackets at all or it could be made into a pithier line as part of the main text.  (Set out like this I found it irrelevant and distracting especially given the depth that I found in the last lines)
Yes, see what you mean. While I liked the personal aside and the fact that it didn't fit, it really doesn't
fit a bit too much. I worked it into the main text (see above). Much better.
                                                   and every day      
                                                           as i take out the trash    Felt that I only needed either the trash or the dog detail - not both, but nothing wrong as such just an opinion.  (But loved the cat lines)
I wouldn't there to be all dogs and cats, so the mundane trash is important. But I just can't
leave the dog out as that's like picking favorites from among your kids. Which nobody reading
the poem would know, but I would. Odd that should matter, but it does. So I'm stuck. But I moved
the trash down so it's between the dog and the cats. This tones down the trash (part of what
you were getting at) and provides a symmetry I like. Lord help the trash, it's going to get ripped
apart and spread out over the whole lawn.
                                                           as i walk the dog    
                                                           as i let out the cats      
                                                           as i let in the cats    
                                                           as i let out the cats
                                                   and my neighbors    
                                                   and friends      
                                                   and the people who would sell me god
                                                   and all the rest of life that passes through...
                                                     
                                                   they've never stung us  Liked the line / white space here.   Emphasises the twist that runs right through this poem - the ambiguity of the the meaning the voice is giving these words.  Brilliant.
                                                     
                                                   a miracle
                                                     
                                                   as they are paper wasps and known for being  I am sure you will point out my wrongness if I say that i did not feel the need for the white space between this line and the one above.  I want to have the run on from the miracle line to give the line in bold even more distinction.
(Just my take on it).
While the content exists as you say,  the symmetry on the page and the emphasis made by 'miracle'
sitting by itself is too much too resist.

     
                                                   very irritable


                                                   and today


                                                   someone


                                                   suggested

   
                                                   that i kill them    

       
                                                         - - -
   
   

Really enjoyed this one.  Great read.
Thanks for sharing AJ.

Thanks for your comments, they've really helped me make it a better poem.