10-15-2014, 06:29 PM
@ Billy. Hi I really do appreciate both of the crits you have given me on this one and did not want you to feel that I had just slammed up another edit without any reference to the thoughts you had given me. I am getting very frustrated with a poem that I had put together just as a “Oh good I’ve finally got a bit of muse going on”
Three efforts later and I feel like I am not making any connection between my readers and what I was trying to communicate.
So ...
tantrum time with this one.
Warning spoiler:-
Using pastoral autumn images I wanted to write about the autumn years of life. Youth has sprung, middle age has spread and acquired a suitable amount of baubles....and in the autumn years you are not quite ready to sit down and wait to die. Meanwhile that blasted winter solstice is being counted down on that nicey sundial that your partner brought at the garden centre! (In direct answer to the stanza that says too much comment)
So having explained this
Green’s From my write I was not thinking of personifying the trees here, I actually think I need to add back in the at the start of the line that i took out in an edit.
slackness during editing.
I wanted bejewelled for the dripping prosperity image (although I agree with you about this as a word sound and that also that bright berried almost say this anyway.
Sucked. Wanted a harsh image...the time clocks go back an hour...so like a person who does not want to give up smoking who is told this is the last cigarette in the world...so a not ready to be decrepit person wants to reclaim any past time that they can.
Agree I could loose the vacated seats of ease. Was thinking of all those flash holidays spent wasting precious time sat around just gawping at the view. But, is probably too involved. My tiny little brain gets a bit trapped in an eddy of thought sometimes!
Plumped out leisure is admittedly a run on from the seats line but also is a reassertion to the central pastoral image of how the wind sucks the flesh of the autumn berries and they shrivel up. The plumped out leisure of the last days of summer that gave those berries girth is wasted away by the harsh winds of age. Ditto for man.
Agree with you about taking out the “the”.
Could be either by or in on the next point but I had settled on by and still feel happy with it.
I am currently thinking that the oak decked frames lines is where the confusion might be coming from. Again my mind gets carried along a line too far – Oaks being an image of people in common use ( of righteousness / stature). Decking being something only mature / wealthy people tend to have. Un-oiled / maintained oak decking will shrink over a harsh winter. Pastoral image Oak trees shed their leaves and the bare branches are not so glorious.
? The question line: I thought I had made it a non question line by conditioning it with do not ask.. will think on this further.
Blazes / burns. Yep agree with you here – good catch. I did look at this before and then kept it - I'll sit here in my wrongness.
The / the and just again these are all valid points that I will change in any edits.
Billy I wanted to write this reply to let you see just how valuable your comments are, and to let you know that I do fully take into consideration each and every point. I felt that this poem had flopped anyway so it was no great loss if I put up some spoiler notes. I just wanted to give you a nod of appreciation for your time and effort.
Thank you for all that you do – you’re a complete star.
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Three efforts later and I feel like I am not making any connection between my readers and what I was trying to communicate.
So ...
tantrum time with this one. Warning spoiler:-
Using pastoral autumn images I wanted to write about the autumn years of life. Youth has sprung, middle age has spread and acquired a suitable amount of baubles....and in the autumn years you are not quite ready to sit down and wait to die. Meanwhile that blasted winter solstice is being counted down on that nicey sundial that your partner brought at the garden centre! (In direct answer to the stanza that says too much comment)
So having explained this
Green’s From my write I was not thinking of personifying the trees here, I actually think I need to add back in the at the start of the line that i took out in an edit.
slackness during editing.I wanted bejewelled for the dripping prosperity image (although I agree with you about this as a word sound and that also that bright berried almost say this anyway.
Sucked. Wanted a harsh image...the time clocks go back an hour...so like a person who does not want to give up smoking who is told this is the last cigarette in the world...so a not ready to be decrepit person wants to reclaim any past time that they can.
Agree I could loose the vacated seats of ease. Was thinking of all those flash holidays spent wasting precious time sat around just gawping at the view. But, is probably too involved. My tiny little brain gets a bit trapped in an eddy of thought sometimes!
Plumped out leisure is admittedly a run on from the seats line but also is a reassertion to the central pastoral image of how the wind sucks the flesh of the autumn berries and they shrivel up. The plumped out leisure of the last days of summer that gave those berries girth is wasted away by the harsh winds of age. Ditto for man.
Agree with you about taking out the “the”.
Could be either by or in on the next point but I had settled on by and still feel happy with it.
I am currently thinking that the oak decked frames lines is where the confusion might be coming from. Again my mind gets carried along a line too far – Oaks being an image of people in common use ( of righteousness / stature). Decking being something only mature / wealthy people tend to have. Un-oiled / maintained oak decking will shrink over a harsh winter. Pastoral image Oak trees shed their leaves and the bare branches are not so glorious.
? The question line: I thought I had made it a non question line by conditioning it with do not ask.. will think on this further.
Blazes / burns. Yep agree with you here – good catch. I did look at this before and then kept it - I'll sit here in my wrongness.
The / the and just again these are all valid points that I will change in any edits.
Billy I wanted to write this reply to let you see just how valuable your comments are, and to let you know that I do fully take into consideration each and every point. I felt that this poem had flopped anyway so it was no great loss if I put up some spoiler notes. I just wanted to give you a nod of appreciation for your time and effort.
Thank you for all that you do – you’re a complete star.
>
< [url=//uk.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/][/url]