10-15-2014, 01:09 AM
(10-09-2014, 07:14 AM)justcloudy Wrote: The rural rug seller and the stern spice - odd to end the line on spice, I think, and the alliteration is too muchMight be worth considering swapping bounds and springs.
stand man slurp mint tea, wipe their beards[
with gnarled hands, and settle to watch
the pitter patter of pedestrian traffic - on the other hand this alliteration is fine. Great line. I'm sure you can watch pitter-patter
in the side alleys of the souk. Passersby pick
their way to avoid the ablution runoff;
till an Aussie gazelle bounds through
in waterproof sneakers and earbuds
during her daily dose of endorphins. - not keen on these 3 lines. till makes it seem as if passers-by have waited just for her. taking better than during?
Her sunny hair and smile make
friends with the slippered men,
and their days only feel right
once she springs by.
gazelle springs through
once she has bounded by.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.