10-14-2014, 10:33 AM
"4. on my mountain.
I believe this isn't literal,"
--it's literal, emotional, and symbolic. The mountain is his home, his emotional advantage over his partner, and the immovable object of his not loving his partner.
---- Well then, I think it should be made clear that this was or is his "partner", because love isn't limited to just a monogamous relationship, but also to family/friends/etc. I think if you want the reader to know the underlying emotional and symbolic meanings behind "mountain" you should clarify that this isn't just any relationship that the speaker is referring to within this poem.
"Although I think it'd be interesting to possibly add an adjective"
--you missed that "mountain" *is* modified--by "my".
---- I suppose I just meant further modification could possibly be of use, but now I'm thinking an adj. might take away from this line (in this instance), rather than add. It might seem forced since (as you said) "my" is already present, which seems to be sufficient without the addition of an adj.
"just a small comment there on a relatively diminutive aspect of these two lines"
--not diminutive. It's a crucial feature. Without it, the reader can't get any purchase on his personality.
---- Got it. I didn't mean to discredit its value, I just meant it might seem superfluous to others, even though to me it was worth commenting on.
Now, there are two key words here that spark my interest: "decided" and "check".
--and "go," a reference to the ancient game
---- Nice little ref there then, I should have realized.
Alright, so L6 is referring to the action of "checking" (in this case, the sidewalk mentioned in L7).
--also to both chess "checking" and to checkers
---- Which makes sense... I suppose I should have analyzed that particular word a bit more carefully.
"Some synonyms for "check" include: "inspection", "review", and "test". "
--but I didn't choose any of those words, right? What does "check" have that those other words don't?
---- Indeed. I shouldn't have assumed your usage of the word, I should have considered the possibility that the speaker was referring to the connotative meaning rather than the denotative. From your prior comment I take that it has to do with the chess "checking", which is a direct attack on the opponent's king. Is that supposed to reference the control that cigarettes have over him, thus creating another parallel to how this restlessness has taken a strong hold to him? If not, then I'm assuming there is a connection between "sidewalk" and "check" that I cannot seem to understand.
Another meaning behind check I can see as possible, is the act of "controlling", "lessening the intensity of", or "curbing" his emotions.
"a bit veiled"
--I thought I was being blatant
---- Then I'd suggest revising these two lines in such a way that the reader can understand this in a more deliberate manner.
7. the itchy sidewalk
"Man. . . How restless is this individual, as to refer to the sidewalk as "itchy"?"
--what's the answer? If there isn't one, then I need to revise.
--importantly, the idea of an "itchy sidewalk" is nonsensical. The narrator is itchy, but he projects
--also, why "sidewalk"?
---- I meant this in a more "Man oh man this guy must be pretty restless if he went as far as to refer to the sidewalk as itchy," not so much as a question. Hahah sorry for the poor wording/punctuation choices!
I still am not able to see the significance of sidewalk. The only thing I could take from it is that it is possibly a matter of symbolic setting than actual object-related representation. Is the fact that he needed to literally go outside for a cigarette some underlying way of him projecting his stress? I'm inclined to think so.
"The cravings associated with the usage of cigarettes may apply to some sort of emblematical message; does the speaker "crave" or "deeply miss" someone or possibly something?"
--yes. What is it? Again, if there's no answer, I need to revise.
---- Well I suppose he misses the presence of the love that he lost, he misses it similar to the way he "craves" the cigarettes; it might be detrimental to him, but still he feels this way. If that is off base, then revision is probably necessary.
"Is this in junction with their indecision?"
--as you noted, the narrator has no indecision. "this" distances the narrator from the "indecision." So how does the indecision relate to the power being out? Is there *any* reason to think power relates to electricity?
---- Ah you're right, I shouldn't have gone back to the idea that the narrator was stuck in an indecision if I already concluded that he was in fact not actually "in an indecision".
A kitchen is usually located indoors and when the "power is out" I think most readers would think of it as electricity that is "out". I do believe now, after reading your commentary on my crit, that the kitchen does have far more significance than just being used as a setting. When I further expand on that idea later in this post I'll try to dig deeper into the meaning of "kitchen" and will likely come to a better conclusion to your question here, regarding electricity and power.
"This may be too analytical of me... "
--impossible
----
"My last translation of this line would be that the main figure might have meant that this has happened before, and this restlessness is a consequence of a cycle of events that leads to even more indecision."
--close. It's possible that he's viewing "I'd" as an entity external to himself
---- Wow! That does bring a whole new perspective to the table then... I should have considered that as a possibility.
"The way in which this valued love was lost must have been incredibly tolling"
--where's the evidence for that?
"the speaker felt that they mourned the lost love nonetheless."
--where's the evidence of that?
---- The poem's tone, and the implications of stress (cigarettes, restlessness, loss of "power" within the kitchen). The emotion within this poem is downplayed though, and if I told you to down play it anymore I think the task would be incredibly difficult (or am I underestimating your abilities?)... so maybe I am wrong with my assumptions about this being an incredibly "valued" love.
"and the way this question is formed almost implies that it is of the speakers doing."
--close. You can construe "lose" in two distinct ways. Lose could mean evade or let slip. That means "your love" also has two constructions.
---- Ok so it doesn't necessarily have to be intentional, but it is still evident that he lost/let slip/evaded the love nonetheless.
The two constructions of "your love"... hm. You can "love" in many different ways, but for this poem it is two distinct ways? Ok. There is a dedicated/passionate love and there is a loyal/reliable love. From what I can take, the speaker didn't only lose their love, but also their friendship.
"The amount of emotion in this one question is amazing, because it's very impacting and influential to the reader's overall outlook in regards to how they view/absorb this written work."
--to me, the challenge to the reader is to decide if he's a bad dude or not.
---- The challenge is definitely more evident to me after reviewing your commentary and rereading the poem in a different light.
12. But I did.
"This line made my heart drop, because it was the speaker reflecting, almost woefully regretting his/her lost love."
--are you sure?
---- Haha not anymore!
"It must be a very mournful meaning at that.
This line is so short and sad"
--he could be saying this flatly, without any feeling whatsoever
---- True. I might have been too caught up in his mentioning of love, that I failed to see that he didn't have to be apathetic in order to simply mention "love".
"if it were written on paper, I feel this line would likely be one that had dried lifted spots of moisture surrounding it, as if at the moment these three words were written, tears were undeniably present."
--maybe he's genuinely disoriented and asking sincerely, too, right?
---- Right. I should have realized that.
13. That's what I did today.
"After reading this line over and over again, both individually and in context, I found it was an adequate closing to a very well structured (emotional) poem.
I feel this sentence is crucial to the last stanza because if it were to end on the note of "But I did." I would feel as if the speaker had to mutter just a few more things, but was unable to. The sense of closure that the reader should have when coming to the end of a poem is more vital than most assume."
--the referent for "that" is undetermined, right?
---- Right again... So maybe there's key events that the narrator didn't add for a reason? Maybe he really is cold and stolid. Maybe the poem as a whole is his way of simply articulating his state of being, rather than somehow "mourning" it. I'm now apt to think these things are true...
--great work! Thanks sooo much for the clearly time-consuming critique! Outstanding!
--There is, however, one *major* oversight, though, as you neglected to actually crit line 3. Perhaps most importantly, why the kitchen?
---- It's seriously no problem at all, I honestly thoroughly enjoyed doing the write up on it. You're a fantastic writer!
I do acknowledge though, that I have so so so much to learn about critiquing and that I shouldn't be afraid to be more aggressive with my views on the parts of a poem that I dislike or think may require revision.
Thank you for the commentary as well!
Now for the big question that I failed to analyze: the kitchen.
Kitchens are a place where people prepare food and provide themselves with sustenance, and nourishment can also be known as "life-providing" or "life" in itself.
The "power is out" within this particular kitchen, which is located on the speaker's "mountain" (which is apparently "his home, his emotional advantage over his partner, and the immovable object of his not loving his partner"). I'm thinking all of these things are referring to how the emotion ("power") within him ("kitchen"/the vessel where "life" is present) is passive ("out") and that he really is callous (not even necessarily to a negative extreme) in nature, thus making clear how/why he holds an "emotional advantage" of his partner.
I really hope I'm not completely off base on that... I just can't think of any other interpretation for "kitchen" other than what I mentioned above.
I believe this isn't literal,"
--it's literal, emotional, and symbolic. The mountain is his home, his emotional advantage over his partner, and the immovable object of his not loving his partner.
---- Well then, I think it should be made clear that this was or is his "partner", because love isn't limited to just a monogamous relationship, but also to family/friends/etc. I think if you want the reader to know the underlying emotional and symbolic meanings behind "mountain" you should clarify that this isn't just any relationship that the speaker is referring to within this poem.
"Although I think it'd be interesting to possibly add an adjective"
--you missed that "mountain" *is* modified--by "my".
---- I suppose I just meant further modification could possibly be of use, but now I'm thinking an adj. might take away from this line (in this instance), rather than add. It might seem forced since (as you said) "my" is already present, which seems to be sufficient without the addition of an adj.
"just a small comment there on a relatively diminutive aspect of these two lines"
--not diminutive. It's a crucial feature. Without it, the reader can't get any purchase on his personality.
---- Got it. I didn't mean to discredit its value, I just meant it might seem superfluous to others, even though to me it was worth commenting on.
Now, there are two key words here that spark my interest: "decided" and "check".
--and "go," a reference to the ancient game
---- Nice little ref there then, I should have realized.
Alright, so L6 is referring to the action of "checking" (in this case, the sidewalk mentioned in L7).
--also to both chess "checking" and to checkers
---- Which makes sense... I suppose I should have analyzed that particular word a bit more carefully.
"Some synonyms for "check" include: "inspection", "review", and "test". "
--but I didn't choose any of those words, right? What does "check" have that those other words don't?
---- Indeed. I shouldn't have assumed your usage of the word, I should have considered the possibility that the speaker was referring to the connotative meaning rather than the denotative. From your prior comment I take that it has to do with the chess "checking", which is a direct attack on the opponent's king. Is that supposed to reference the control that cigarettes have over him, thus creating another parallel to how this restlessness has taken a strong hold to him? If not, then I'm assuming there is a connection between "sidewalk" and "check" that I cannot seem to understand.
Another meaning behind check I can see as possible, is the act of "controlling", "lessening the intensity of", or "curbing" his emotions.
"a bit veiled"
--I thought I was being blatant
---- Then I'd suggest revising these two lines in such a way that the reader can understand this in a more deliberate manner.
7. the itchy sidewalk
"Man. . . How restless is this individual, as to refer to the sidewalk as "itchy"?"
--what's the answer? If there isn't one, then I need to revise.
--importantly, the idea of an "itchy sidewalk" is nonsensical. The narrator is itchy, but he projects
--also, why "sidewalk"?
---- I meant this in a more "Man oh man this guy must be pretty restless if he went as far as to refer to the sidewalk as itchy," not so much as a question. Hahah sorry for the poor wording/punctuation choices!
I still am not able to see the significance of sidewalk. The only thing I could take from it is that it is possibly a matter of symbolic setting than actual object-related representation. Is the fact that he needed to literally go outside for a cigarette some underlying way of him projecting his stress? I'm inclined to think so.
"The cravings associated with the usage of cigarettes may apply to some sort of emblematical message; does the speaker "crave" or "deeply miss" someone or possibly something?"
--yes. What is it? Again, if there's no answer, I need to revise.
---- Well I suppose he misses the presence of the love that he lost, he misses it similar to the way he "craves" the cigarettes; it might be detrimental to him, but still he feels this way. If that is off base, then revision is probably necessary.
"Is this in junction with their indecision?"
--as you noted, the narrator has no indecision. "this" distances the narrator from the "indecision." So how does the indecision relate to the power being out? Is there *any* reason to think power relates to electricity?
---- Ah you're right, I shouldn't have gone back to the idea that the narrator was stuck in an indecision if I already concluded that he was in fact not actually "in an indecision".
A kitchen is usually located indoors and when the "power is out" I think most readers would think of it as electricity that is "out". I do believe now, after reading your commentary on my crit, that the kitchen does have far more significance than just being used as a setting. When I further expand on that idea later in this post I'll try to dig deeper into the meaning of "kitchen" and will likely come to a better conclusion to your question here, regarding electricity and power.
"This may be too analytical of me... "
--impossible
----
"My last translation of this line would be that the main figure might have meant that this has happened before, and this restlessness is a consequence of a cycle of events that leads to even more indecision."
--close. It's possible that he's viewing "I'd" as an entity external to himself
---- Wow! That does bring a whole new perspective to the table then... I should have considered that as a possibility.
"The way in which this valued love was lost must have been incredibly tolling"
--where's the evidence for that?
"the speaker felt that they mourned the lost love nonetheless."
--where's the evidence of that?
---- The poem's tone, and the implications of stress (cigarettes, restlessness, loss of "power" within the kitchen). The emotion within this poem is downplayed though, and if I told you to down play it anymore I think the task would be incredibly difficult (or am I underestimating your abilities?)... so maybe I am wrong with my assumptions about this being an incredibly "valued" love.
"and the way this question is formed almost implies that it is of the speakers doing."
--close. You can construe "lose" in two distinct ways. Lose could mean evade or let slip. That means "your love" also has two constructions.
---- Ok so it doesn't necessarily have to be intentional, but it is still evident that he lost/let slip/evaded the love nonetheless.
The two constructions of "your love"... hm. You can "love" in many different ways, but for this poem it is two distinct ways? Ok. There is a dedicated/passionate love and there is a loyal/reliable love. From what I can take, the speaker didn't only lose their love, but also their friendship.
"The amount of emotion in this one question is amazing, because it's very impacting and influential to the reader's overall outlook in regards to how they view/absorb this written work."
--to me, the challenge to the reader is to decide if he's a bad dude or not.
---- The challenge is definitely more evident to me after reviewing your commentary and rereading the poem in a different light.
12. But I did.
"This line made my heart drop, because it was the speaker reflecting, almost woefully regretting his/her lost love."
--are you sure?
---- Haha not anymore!
"It must be a very mournful meaning at that.
This line is so short and sad"
--he could be saying this flatly, without any feeling whatsoever
---- True. I might have been too caught up in his mentioning of love, that I failed to see that he didn't have to be apathetic in order to simply mention "love".
"if it were written on paper, I feel this line would likely be one that had dried lifted spots of moisture surrounding it, as if at the moment these three words were written, tears were undeniably present."
--maybe he's genuinely disoriented and asking sincerely, too, right?
---- Right. I should have realized that.
13. That's what I did today.
"After reading this line over and over again, both individually and in context, I found it was an adequate closing to a very well structured (emotional) poem.
I feel this sentence is crucial to the last stanza because if it were to end on the note of "But I did." I would feel as if the speaker had to mutter just a few more things, but was unable to. The sense of closure that the reader should have when coming to the end of a poem is more vital than most assume."
--the referent for "that" is undetermined, right?
---- Right again... So maybe there's key events that the narrator didn't add for a reason? Maybe he really is cold and stolid. Maybe the poem as a whole is his way of simply articulating his state of being, rather than somehow "mourning" it. I'm now apt to think these things are true...
--great work! Thanks sooo much for the clearly time-consuming critique! Outstanding!
--There is, however, one *major* oversight, though, as you neglected to actually crit line 3. Perhaps most importantly, why the kitchen?
---- It's seriously no problem at all, I honestly thoroughly enjoyed doing the write up on it. You're a fantastic writer!
I do acknowledge though, that I have so so so much to learn about critiquing and that I shouldn't be afraid to be more aggressive with my views on the parts of a poem that I dislike or think may require revision.
Thank you for the commentary as well!
Now for the big question that I failed to analyze: the kitchen.
Kitchens are a place where people prepare food and provide themselves with sustenance, and nourishment can also be known as "life-providing" or "life" in itself.
The "power is out" within this particular kitchen, which is located on the speaker's "mountain" (which is apparently "his home, his emotional advantage over his partner, and the immovable object of his not loving his partner"). I'm thinking all of these things are referring to how the emotion ("power") within him ("kitchen"/the vessel where "life" is present) is passive ("out") and that he really is callous (not even necessarily to a negative extreme) in nature, thus making clear how/why he holds an "emotional advantage" of his partner.
I really hope I'm not completely off base on that... I just can't think of any other interpretation for "kitchen" other than what I mentioned above.