10-14-2014, 03:22 AM
Hi alex for your thoughtful and detailed read and reply to my poem. Many of your comments are spot on for an autumn poem and the passion with which you lay out an autumn sceen make me think that this would be a great subject for you to dive into, for a creation of your own. (I will have to keep a watch to see if you do indeed write an autumn poem now - I would want to read it from your feedback comments)
Sadly in this case my poem was never intended to actually be anything to do with autumn, i fear that the fact that no-one who has read this to date has made any of the connections to the metaphors i intended must entirly rest on my shoulders as a failed writing effort.
back to the drawing board with this one for me...no doubt I will be back with a much edited version of this at some point. The title being the first thing I will change.
Meanwhile that was a great crit that you have offered and I really do thank you for the time and thought that you have given me.
All the best AJ.
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Sadly in this case my poem was never intended to actually be anything to do with autumn, i fear that the fact that no-one who has read this to date has made any of the connections to the metaphors i intended must entirly rest on my shoulders as a failed writing effort.
back to the drawing board with this one for me...no doubt I will be back with a much edited version of this at some point. The title being the first thing I will change.
Meanwhile that was a great crit that you have offered and I really do thank you for the time and thought that you have given me.
All the best AJ.
(10-14-2014, 02:02 AM)Alexand3r Wrote: might be because my mother tongue is not english, but it seems to me that you concentrated to much on using flowery words and metaphors and in the process left the content behind, like it was only a secondary part of the poem. When reading poems, i often notice that the most powerful ones often have simple wording, but express something so fundamentally right that you go like "this is like a law of nature! what he/she wrote describes this in its own way, but still perfectly". Here, i'm so busy with romantic visions of idealised autumn scenes! that true feeling of autumn, the smell of damp leaves, cold misty mornings, the way morning mist dampens the worlds sounds and so on.... you see, i miss the impressions autumn has on people, this melancholy pared with beauty, and then the knowledge that everything in nature will come back again, but maybe some things in my life are just gone/will come for the first time.... what i would do: just go out one morning /evening (because those are the special times of day, especially in autumn) and then somewhre calm, just take deep breaths, try to hear everything, smell everything and then try to find out what makes this epxerience feel like autumn to you! just random thoughts
greez
Alex
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