10-14-2014, 12:14 AM
hi weaver, on first impression i think more could be done wit the punctuation (which can be a chore) another is to try and not be too literal. remember this is a poem not just a story. use some poetic devices if you can. use less words to make the poem more succinct if you can, place any edits above the original poem in the same (first post) so far the edit is a solid improvement. i got that it was about a tete-a-tete with mythical people, probably gods etc. Somnus sounds very Icelandic
(10-07-2014, 09:03 PM)Word Weaver Wrote: Aloft the breath taking steep of smaragdine aloft as it stand feels a little confusing, a suggestion would be [Aloft; the breath......] making it two clauses instead of one. if it's a name should it be capped i ask as you do use caps in the poem.
Suspended on a knotted twine, what is?
Harp strings in whisper, no need for [in]
strikes a chord with my murmuring thoughts, in accord might be a better usage and no need for [my] it's already a given as you haven't mention the 2nd or third person.
releasing a wearied sigh.
Musing into a foreign time,
of Never-a -care and Eirene. no need to cap never as it's a time and not a place, yesterday is a place; Tuesday a time
A start!
Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,
winks, laced in sweet amnesia, i like this line. it imparts a secret to the reader.
belies nothing but a hint of sand, no need for [belies nothing but] isn't needed and weakens the line.
and tracings of honeyed kisses,
impassioned upon my lips,
my arm and hand.
'twas the briefest slip-away, no need for 'twas. 1,) because it's redundant and 2,) because it's archaic and not in keeping with the language of the poem.
a visit with Pasithea,
a sip from Hebe,
a moment of evanescence,
Ambrosia to my essence.