no need to tell us what you intended in the poem; if we don't get it on our own it will better show anything that isn't working. check here about meter
the poem will benefit from the use of iambs.
try not to be so wordy. cut away anything that doesn't add to the poem.
the poem will benefit from the use of iambs.
try not to be so wordy. cut away anything that doesn't add to the poem.