10-13-2014, 12:00 PM
Hello! As for my personal opinion, i think during first or second paragraph, you might want to add a hint of character's existence. You don't have to use direct word such as "you", but may try to add a bit on the arrival of the character. The reason I suggest this is because you take 3 paragraphs to describe the environment. This has quite a good effect on the 4th paragraph, but that make the previous paragraph sound a little weak. Therefore, try to add a little hint of something might help, but you have to be careful not to ruin what you try to create.
I really like your poem, but it just the 2th line seem a bit off for me... Thank you for the read. (^ ^)
I really like your poem, but it just the 2th line seem a bit off for me... Thank you for the read. (^ ^)