10-13-2014, 10:02 AM
(10-02-2014, 05:26 PM)Mwaba don Wrote: Steadily she sort her passions,A nice romantic poem. My comments are above.
like the skillful shaping pace of a potter delightful analogy!
through her twirling pains she endured
and molded herself into a dancing muse. I see the point you are trying to get across, but the last two lines of this stanza should be rewritten for clarity's sake.
In her breaking times
in courage she delighted in,
all her trembling like magic dazes
turned to moments of grace. how about: her trembling, like magic, turns moments to grace
When tears filled her eyes,
like a water drop on a frond
maybe blown off by the wind,
her sudden powerful pose blew them off. Her dance pose stopped her from crying, or was she covering it up?
Like a fledgling eagle learns to glide
never did she allow herself to fall WOW! Love this
nor let her faults distort her zeal distort is the wrong word for the point you are trying to make. diminish? deteriorate?
but picked herself up and soared. Way to tie the content back to the first line of the stanza
Now, how wonderful she has become,
too tender a sight to smudge. tender and smudge just aren't working for me. relate her to wet ink, paint, or anything that can actually be smudged
a wondrous beauty to behold.
once with trembling feet now a Dancing Muse. a comma after feet will bring both correct punctuation and drama.
I prefer to be as forgettable as possible.