To Fall Asleep

[71degrees]

As I drift away,
You watch my closed eyes;
You wait for them to open.

I'm lost in the gray,
Not so distant skies;
Your watch remains unbroken.

And perhaps somebody told you
I'm vagabond in chains;
If I disappear on a breeeze,
I'll soon be back again.

But I will not stay forever,
I will be only passing by.
You know I'm the kind of lover
Who must always say goodbye.

Our juncture is an ephemeral touch,
As my effects acquaint your luggage rack.
It will be up to you to let me go,
Kissing me softly on my naked back.

There's something here that I like but I'm sorry, I can't put my finger on it. There are too many repetitious images. The poem needs to be shorter. MUCH shorter and blocked as one stanza. "Luggage rack" is the strangest image I've seen in a while…coupled with the last line, I just get the weirdest thoughts in my head. The poem is too contemplative to leave me with a grin on my face when I finish reading. I like the placement of certain words / mood elements (e.g. vagabond, ephemeral touch, etc.)…quite lovely, actually. My advice: shorten it up and hit me with your best shot, not a volley of them.