Lyrics: Laboratory Blues by ChristopherSea

[crow]

Here's my crit

ChristopherSea,

Right off the bat, I'd say you need some flags (read: section labels). Plus, and I'm not positive, I think the style wants a "The" in the title. I'll roll those two things into a proofread. I'm going to use double brackets to indicate added flags.

Proofer's Edit:

[The] Laboratory Blues

[[Verse]]
My deadlines are upon me,
but the data's nowhere 'round.
Microscope must be broken[--]
there's no virus to be found.

Let me tell you[,] woman[,]
I got [the] la-bor-a-tory blues.

[[Verse]]
Forgot Avogadro's number,
unsure of Molarities;
my enzymes are denatured,
so reactions won't proceed.
--for consistency, the above should prolly match the next verse re punctuation

Come help me[,] lady[,]
I hate [these] la-bor-a-tory blues.

[[Verse]]
Broke all my pyrex beakers.
I spilt acid on my pants.
My hair just caught on fire.
All results['re] just happenstance.

Please comfort me[,] lover[,]
soothe these la-bor-a-tory blues.

[[Verse]]
Got three female assistants
that won't work under me.
Some lab rats tried to bite m[y hand];
there's a rodent mutiny.

Listen to me[,] baby[,]
can't do la-bor-a-tory blues.

[[Outro]]
No lie, pretty mama[,]
--I think you can call "No lie" a mild exclamatory

must lose la-bor-a-tory blues.
--consider "I've got the" instead of "must lose"

Macro: I'm putting the macro here so that my Copy Edit will make more sense.

(1) You didn't sing it! That means this first, most important note might be totally wrong. Heresit: I think you botched the format. You're writing 12-bar blues, but you've only got 8 bars. Here's my read of the first verse:

1 My deadlines are upon me,
2 but the data's nowhere 'round.
3 Microscope must be broken,
4 there's no virus to be found.

5--6 Let me tell you woman-
7--8 I got la-bor-a-tory blues.

http://soundcloud.com/christopher-youngb...firstverse

It should be
http://soundcloud.com/christopher-youngb...stverserev

(2) The joke is pairing a high-falutin' thing like a lab with a working-mans format, right? So, you gotta push it to a ludicrous extreme. For instance, the lab rats below didn't bite you, they just tried--better if they bit you and you became Mouse Man, or if they bit you and you turned green. See what I mean?

(3) This is super-funny, and I *wish wish wish* that you'd work it up and share it w your lab. I think it's awesome!

Copy Edit-ish:

Laboratory Blues

My deadlines are upon me,
but the data's nowhere 'round.
Microscope must be broken,
there's no virus to be found.

--this'll be my only rewrite, and it's just to be illustrative. The four lines above should be recast to be more extreme. Compare:

----My deadlines want to kill me
----and my data's acting strange.
----Microscope's gone hazy--
----why's there no virus on my stage?!

------See what I mean? But I think you should push it even further:

--------My deadline passed at midnight,
--------and my data just won't cheat.
--------My virus has gone missing
--------(maybe you should skip the beef . . .).

--------My intern's mouth is foamin',
--------and there's a hole in his hazmat suit,
--------Let me tell you, woman,
--------I got them la-bor-a-tory blues!