10-10-2014, 12:42 PM
hi t.arcadius.
i wonder if you unraveled this a bit and wrote it in free verse, would we get the same meaning? because the rhymes just don't work for me.
also, i am sure someone else will mention this as well, but the first-word caps of each line are a bit archaic.
that said, i have a few comments and some suggestions for you to use or lose:
it comes down to the structure and word choice. forced rhymes inhibit poetry, not enhance it.
think hard about what you really want this poem to say and then cut cut cut until you have bare bones and THEN start fleshing it out.
it really does have potential and like i said, there are some bright spots that shine. make them shinier
i wonder if you unraveled this a bit and wrote it in free verse, would we get the same meaning? because the rhymes just don't work for me.
also, i am sure someone else will mention this as well, but the first-word caps of each line are a bit archaic.
that said, i have a few comments and some suggestions for you to use or lose:
(10-07-2014, 11:17 AM)t.arcadius Wrote: As I drift away, <--right away you start off with an all too familiar phrasethat might be a little more critique than is necessary for this forum, but i think you could strip this down and make it so much stronger.
You watch my closed eyes;
You wait for them to open.
I'm lost in the gray,
Not so distant skies;
Your watch remains unbroken. <-- you use "watch" too soon again here, think about word choice
And perhaps somebody told you
I'm vagabond in chains; <-- "I'm [a] vagabond in chains;"
If I disappear on a breeeze, "breeze"
I'll soon be back again. *i actually like this stanza quite a bit, almost wish the poem started here...
But I will not stay forever,
I will be only passing by.
You know I'm the kind of lover
Who must always say goodbye. *and this stanza, not so much...it just feels recycled. think about how you could say the same thing but with more original language. again, it's all about word choice here, and taking a cliche and making it new again. flip it on its head!
Our juncture is an ephemeral touch, <--not sure if "juncture" is the right word here, but i like where this is going
As my effects acquaint your luggage rack.
It will be up to you to let me go,
Kissing me softly on my naked back. <--hmm, not quite the ending i was hoping for. lacks a bit of punch but i think that's due to the rhyme
it comes down to the structure and word choice. forced rhymes inhibit poetry, not enhance it.
think hard about what you really want this poem to say and then cut cut cut until you have bare bones and THEN start fleshing it out.
it really does have potential and like i said, there are some bright spots that shine. make them shinier