10-10-2014, 11:42 AM
This is the first poem I have written in a while, let me know what you think! Don't hold back on the criticism.
Sea of Truths
The girl was set adrift
upon the sea of truths
in a boat that she had built
of dreams and simple youth.
She insisted she'd be fine
as she raised her scarlet sail.
It would be okay in time,
all she needed was a gale.
She remained unaware
of the storm that had begun
She didn't say a prayer,
never did she try to run
The waters were rough, they
grabbed her skin, pulled her hair.
They told her scary things,
of which she had been unaware.
She insisted she was fine
as the sea took in her ship
The water looked benign,
But the sail began to rip.
Yet her voice stayed strong.
And she shouted for some help
But she then heard the song
Of the voices in the kelp.
Nothing drowned the sounds
of sirens in the distance.
They whispered tempting things,
She lost all her resistance.
She took a breath of air
And it would be her last.
Water caressed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past
The waves tossed golden curls
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls,
And she sank into the deep.
Here is the updated poem with suggested changes:
Sea of Truths
The girl was set adrift
upon the sea of truths
in a boat that she had built
of dreams and simple youth.
She insisted she'd be fine
as she raised her scarlet sail.
It would be okay in time,
if she only had a gale.
She did not even scare
of storms that had begun.
She didn't say a prayer,
She never tried to run.
The waters were all rough,
they grabbed her, pulled her hair.
The sails began to luff,
She began to see despair.
She claimed that she was fine
as the sea took in her ship
The water felt benign,
But the sail began to rip.
Yet her voice stayed strong
And she shouted for some help--
But then she heard the songs
Of the voices in the kelp.
Nothing drowned the sounds
of the Sirens in the distance.
They whispered tempting things,
And she lost all resistance.
She took a breath of air
And it would be her last.
Water brushed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past.
The waves tossed golden curls
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls,
The sky began to weep.
Sea of Truths
The girl was set adrift
upon the sea of truths
in a boat that she had built
of dreams and simple youth.
She insisted she'd be fine
as she raised her scarlet sail.
It would be okay in time,
all she needed was a gale.
She remained unaware
of the storm that had begun
She didn't say a prayer,
never did she try to run
The waters were rough, they
grabbed her skin, pulled her hair.
They told her scary things,
of which she had been unaware.
She insisted she was fine
as the sea took in her ship
The water looked benign,
But the sail began to rip.
Yet her voice stayed strong.
And she shouted for some help
But she then heard the song
Of the voices in the kelp.
Nothing drowned the sounds
of sirens in the distance.
They whispered tempting things,
She lost all her resistance.
She took a breath of air
And it would be her last.
Water caressed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past
The waves tossed golden curls
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls,
And she sank into the deep.
Here is the updated poem with suggested changes:
Sea of Truths
The girl was set adrift
upon the sea of truths
in a boat that she had built
of dreams and simple youth.
She insisted she'd be fine
as she raised her scarlet sail.
It would be okay in time,
if she only had a gale.
She did not even scare
of storms that had begun.
She didn't say a prayer,
She never tried to run.
The waters were all rough,
they grabbed her, pulled her hair.
The sails began to luff,
She began to see despair.
She claimed that she was fine
as the sea took in her ship
The water felt benign,
But the sail began to rip.
Yet her voice stayed strong
And she shouted for some help--
But then she heard the songs
Of the voices in the kelp.
Nothing drowned the sounds
of the Sirens in the distance.
They whispered tempting things,
And she lost all resistance.
She took a breath of air
And it would be her last.
Water brushed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past.
The waves tossed golden curls
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls,
The sky began to weep.