10-10-2014, 05:16 AM
The rural rug seller and the stern spice Over-obvious alliteration is one of my downfalls so I know it when I see it...and usually edit it out before I post. Having said that, I note also that there is a lack of intent in the words themselves. A "rural" rug seller is difficult identify as of a "type". He is a rug-seller. The "stern" spice man is also difficult....forgive me for asking but what is "stern spice"? Oh, the spice seller is stern...but so what....or why...will it be of essence? No. The rug seller and the spice-stand man are drinking tea....OK, let's go with that.
stand man slurp mint tea, wipe their beardsPictorially, this is cutely veracious. I can and have seen it all before. I worry about the gnarled hands only because it just doesn't fit in. Spice sellers and rug sellers...gnarled hands? It must be age not application. So:
"The old rug-seller and the spice-stand man
slurp and spill their hot mint tea.
They wipe grey beards with time-gnarled hands
and settle to watch the people go by;
pitter-patter, chitter-chatter in the alleys of the souk."
Your poem and your concept...I like it and want to like it more.
with gnarled hands, and settle to watch
the pitter patter of pedestrian traffic
in the side alleys of the souk. Passersby pick
their way to avoid the ablution runoff;You may as well SAY what your eye sees in the visual language of the PLACE. "Ablution runoff"????? No. Just no.You are not going to make anything out of the observation if you just leave it as it is.
till an Aussie gazelle bounds through...and why did that stop the way-picking of the "passersby"
in waterproof sneakers and earbuds
during her daily dose of endorphins....and why only during this short gazelle-like dash. Are there gazelles in Oz?
Her sunny hair and smile make
friends with the slippered men,
and their days only feel right
once she springs by.Last four lines are beautifully crafted...but "as she springs by" might make more sense.
There is something I like about this but that is not what you want to hear. It DOES need work.
Best,
tectak
Sincere apologies. Mod privileges gone awry. I hit the edit button instead of the reply,
Should be OK now,
Best,
tectak
PS I know Casablanca of old (1969-72). I know about the puddles of people in mid-circumstance. There is an acceptance...or was. I was questioning the contextual thinking...in all my time there and in Marrakesh, Layounne, Dakhla and that seat of civilisation...Tunis, I never felt that European/Western aloofness towards the basic sanitation of the locals. Things may have changed as things do. I withdraw my comment if this is the case...but ablution is too strong for a beard wipe!
Best,
tectak
stand man slurp mint tea, wipe their beardsPictorially, this is cutely veracious. I can and have seen it all before. I worry about the gnarled hands only because it just doesn't fit in. Spice sellers and rug sellers...gnarled hands? It must be age not application. So:
"The old rug-seller and the spice-stand man
slurp and spill their hot mint tea.
They wipe grey beards with time-gnarled hands
and settle to watch the people go by;
pitter-patter, chitter-chatter in the alleys of the souk."
Your poem and your concept...I like it and want to like it more.
with gnarled hands, and settle to watch
the pitter patter of pedestrian traffic
in the side alleys of the souk. Passersby pick
their way to avoid the ablution runoff;You may as well SAY what your eye sees in the visual language of the PLACE. "Ablution runoff"????? No. Just no.You are not going to make anything out of the observation if you just leave it as it is.
till an Aussie gazelle bounds through...and why did that stop the way-picking of the "passersby"
in waterproof sneakers and earbuds
during her daily dose of endorphins....and why only during this short gazelle-like dash. Are there gazelles in Oz?
Her sunny hair and smile make
friends with the slippered men,
and their days only feel right
once she springs by.Last four lines are beautifully crafted...but "as she springs by" might make more sense.
There is something I like about this but that is not what you want to hear. It DOES need work.
Best,
tectak
Sincere apologies. Mod privileges gone awry. I hit the edit button instead of the reply,
Should be OK now,
Best,
tectak
PS I know Casablanca of old (1969-72). I know about the puddles of people in mid-circumstance. There is an acceptance...or was. I was questioning the contextual thinking...in all my time there and in Marrakesh, Layounne, Dakhla and that seat of civilisation...Tunis, I never felt that European/Western aloofness towards the basic sanitation of the locals. Things may have changed as things do. I withdraw my comment if this is the case...but ablution is too strong for a beard wipe!
Best,
tectak