To Fall Asleep

[ellajam]

Hi, t, welcome and thank you for the critiques you've posted for others.
I'm having a tough time making sense of this. I've left you some comments to point out what I think is causing my confusion in the hope that it will help you clarify if you decide to edit.

As I drift away,
You watch my closed eyes;
You wait for them to open.

I'm lost in the gray, I don't get the point of these two lines.
Not so distant skies;
Your watch remains unbroken. You've already used two of the five lines above to say this, why repeat?

And perhaps somebody told you
I'm vagabond in chains; This seems to conflict with the two next lines, which also strike me as cliche.
If I disappear on a breeeze,
I'll soon be back again.

But I will not stay forever,
I will be only passing by.
You know I'm the kind of lover These two lines seem to repeat the ones above.
Who must always say goodbye.

Our juncture is an ephemeral touch,
As my effects acquaint your luggage rack. These two lines are fresh and interesting.
It will be up to you to let me go,
Kissing me softly on my naked back. I don't get the feeling that anything is in the control of the "you" in the poem, so the ending loses me.

So, obviously, I not getting it. I'm not asking for an explanation, just giving you one reader's POV.

Again, welcome, I hope you enjoy the site.