Cancer

[Erthona]

A sad and tearing anger was laying on my chest   Maybe rip instead of tear.
in the midst of growing uncertainty
as a numb feeling was recurring in my body, (run on sentence)
“You have Cancer”   (cut: "the doctor said, at First.)

Pooh… there must be a mistake?  (pooh,  Winnie the Pooh? At least put an exclamation point on it)
for a couple of seconds my world went black
but as bold as hope is I held myself back
as I recalled my family’s presence.

Empathy covered their faces
as I wondered if I would live or die
or if life would ever be enjoyable   (or, or, or)
as they stood in silence with tears in their eyes.

But, I chose not to give in to despair, (into?)
my family’s presence was my only strength
that to empower myself I listened in faith to knowledge of health
because my family is my vision of hope.

Though I may remember the day I was told
That moment came with gratitude in itself,
that is, to learn to stay on my feet choosing not miss my life
Keeping my faith and strengths, seeking health everyday.

I write and tell this story
it’s like a prayer for me and a guide for my family
likewise, it’s a guide for the community,
raising awareness that we may live in understanding and joy.

Though times may come when it drowns me down
it taught me best to stay on my feet
Seeking balance and to be content
it taught me best to leave despair behind.

Therefore, I seek good health everyday
taking care of myself a little more
living with passion and furthermore
always to be Happy!

(Note: Based on a conversation with my aunt)

Mwaba,

I decided not to go line by line all the way, as many have already done so, not because it is error free.

Quatrains are used in poetry because of the meter/rhyme such as in ballad meter or common meter, based on alternating lines of three and four feet of iambs, with the rhyme being being axax, or abab, respectfully. So line break is not ad hoc. When one is not under the constriction of formal poetry, each line exists because of the significance of content, that is to put emphasis on a part of the sentence, such as a phrase or a pause. As this has only incidental rhyme, and no meter, there is no compelling reason for it to be in quatrains. In fact there is a much stronger case for it not to be in quatrains, not the least of which is to write sentences that are over long for their purpose, and as such be broken into several shorter sentences. This is not to mention this is also a narrative.

Basing the form of a poem on imitation is a common mistake by novice writers (by novice I mean 5 to 10 years of writing poetry.) This only points out that you probably need more study in relation to the form of poetry. As a general rule metered/rhymed poetry is based on the substance (content meaning) being subservient to the form. In contemporary poetry, the roles are generally switched.

As this is in the "mild critique" section, I will stop here.

Dale