Whiskey

[ellajam]

Hi, b, I haven't spent as much time with this as I will, but I just want to share some things that struck me.

Someone placed hyacinths
on the table,
and I want to steal
one of the flowers
so I never have to leave.

But I don’t.
While I like the breaks, image and scent, I can't figure out how stealing one will make you never have to leave. I'm missing something.

I drink alone,
remembering things
I didn't know I saw, I'm not sure what these three lines add.
as a girl dances on my uncle’s feet. And here the poem starts for me, and I love it.

She is so light that his feet
have no difficulty guiding her.  

It’s simple gravity.

These ghosts I carry
are too heavy
to let me dance
with the girl who lets her hair down.
The last four lines were a letdown for me, not in meaning but in language. Ghosts and lets her hair down are too common for this poem.

Thanks for posting this, I'm really curious to see if you make any changes and what they will do.
Hope you get some good crit, good luck with it.