10-07-2014, 11:19 PM
JM,
I thought about your note on the sing song quality over the weekend. I think you're right so I've done another edit of the poem removing all but two instances of the "ing" sounds.
August – 6[sup]th[/sup] Draft
Say goodbye as you
drive home under the moon,
and remember her cold hands.
She said: Don’t waste autumn
smoking and staring at your shoes.
Say goodbye as you
listen to radio static,
and swallow pills
until you fall onto pillows
like a body stumbles from a ledge.
Goodbye, broken glass.
Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.
She said: Write if you can,
and don’t worry about the night,
the night was always too dark for me.
I thought about your note on the sing song quality over the weekend. I think you're right so I've done another edit of the poem removing all but two instances of the "ing" sounds.
August – 6[sup]th[/sup] Draft
Say goodbye as you
drive home under the moon,
and remember her cold hands.
She said: Don’t waste autumn
smoking and staring at your shoes.
Say goodbye as you
listen to radio static,
and swallow pills
until you fall onto pillows
like a body stumbles from a ledge.
Goodbye, broken glass.
Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.
She said: Write if you can,
and don’t worry about the night,
the night was always too dark for me.