Wine for breakfast

[tectak]

When you wake up
for the first time comma here
after a weeklong bender and here
besotted by barbarism, but not here
brought by the bottle and the poke ;
the television screaming with
second rate ads
and cut throat capitalism -
You realize you might have a problem. no capital on "you". Great stanza but complicated by "thinking out loud " versus punctuation

When your heart is broken
by someone you were never
really sure you were dating, no comma
and love only comes as a way to stave off loneliness
and a mad drummer moves into your spare room normally this would be too andy...but in the context you have created it works. Not well but well enough.
after 6 months exile, it becomes obvious to have write six
wine for breakfast. Great axis point for the piece. Le bon temp

The haze of a silver screen starlet beams across
50 years, still alive and dripping with sex. write fifty
Enchanted by her nebulous eyes
calling to recall a passionate evening
rolled in sand and sea foam,
distant city-lights bathing everything silver and timeless-
hair the colour of sunset, You are getting too excited by yourself. What is timeless-hair?
hands the skeletons of birds,
lips the colour of wine
playing Rhapsody’s across my flesh.
Confusing love for lust again.

They say that “Love is the only cure”;
It’s also often the cause.A flurry of near cliches and if they ain't they will be...but a fire-curtain end to the show. I think it a mistake to put a cliche in quotes

This is a determinedly stylish piece which has attitude. It almost tempts crit by its confidence. I for one feel suitably intimidated and can only dare to suggest that some minor adjustments to the syntax/grammar/sense would not worsen things. Er, like why capitalise Rhapsody?...Sorry...sorry...forget I said that...no, really, it's fine...just fine.
Best and well done,
tectak