10-06-2014, 01:49 AM
(10-06-2014, 01:33 AM)Tamara Wrote: The font size is still too small. Also, the lack of punctuation doesn't sit well with me. I know that for certain poems, it is a deliberate stylistic choice. However, in this case I don't really see the point.
rubber trees
threaten to crack
my compound walls
on all sides -- How do rubber trees threaten to crack walls?
impermanence
broken from reverie -- The imagery is not really effective, and the last 2 lines border on cliche.
in harmony
breathing in the silence
dawn broken -- Cliche that doesn't really do much for the poem.
swish of silk
leaves rustle
rendition by birds
in bass and treble -- I get that you're trying to introduce sounds into the imagery, and these last 4 lines do work. The last 2 can be trimmed though. (birds in bass and treble?)
lying in bed
limp after last night’s -- lying limp/after last night's
lovemaking
pouring rain
pounding on the roof
washing down the glass panes
insignia of your stubble
tabooed on my skin -- This stanza is nice, I like the clear imagery.
thin cuts
i watch the
liquid ooze out
trickling down
crusted and harden -- Good ending.
Back!