10-05-2014, 04:34 PM
Hello and welcome! You've received some excellent advice from Lysander -- it is primarily punctuation and line breaks that are letting this poem down. Your images are lovely and fresh, with interesting juxtapositions of pop culture and classical references. Intertext almost always makes me happy 
A tip on line length: longer lines are most effective for musing, meandering thoughts; short lines are breathless, fast-paced, flickering. There is no rule in poetry that says all lines should be the same or even similar length -- so be aware of what you're wanting to achieve, and let your layout do it for you.
A tip on line length: longer lines are most effective for musing, meandering thoughts; short lines are breathless, fast-paced, flickering. There is no rule in poetry that says all lines should be the same or even similar length -- so be aware of what you're wanting to achieve, and let your layout do it for you.
It could be worse