10-05-2014, 03:14 PM
(10-02-2014, 05:26 PM)Mwaba don Wrote: --There are a lot of trimming that can be done to give the poem more impact.
-- Use punctuation to help dictate the pace of the poem. Currently, the pacing is rather weird.
--I get the feeling you're trying to illustrate an evolution, but I'm not seeing it. The imagery lacks consistency, and you can try to build on that.
Steadily she sort her passions,
like the skillful shaping pace of a potter
through her twirling pains she endured
and molded herself into a dancing muse.
In her breaking times
in courage she delighted in,
all her trembling like magic dazes
turned to moments of grace.
When tears filled her eyes,
like a water drop on a frond
maybe blown off by the wind,
her sudden powerful pose blew them off.
Like a fledgling eagle learns to glide
never did she allow herself to fall
nor let her faults distort her zeal
but picked herself up and soared.
Now, how wonderful she has become,
too tender a sight to smudge.
a wondrous beauty to behold.
once with trembling feet now a Dancing Muse.
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