Hello

[Lysander Gray]

Glad to see you've joined us! Now lets take a look at this poem...

Prompted to sign up - I'm very much an amateur just enjoying the occasional flail at the keyboard.

My favourite, simple piece:

Lost

I had a dream once grammar, you need more grammar to separate the ideas and images and keep the audience interested. pauses, breaks, rests. Otherwise its a film with no editing.
Circular in reason
Teasing me
Bruised and beaten
Sleeping
I wandered angelic
Dorothy and Alice
Through nightmare geographies beautiful line!
Landscapes cruel, beautiful
And strange
Talking crows
Enveloped my eyes
A crown of pearlescent feathers
Obscuring my vision and yet
I saw
A waterfall of tears
A guru on a lotus
He whispered
Whiskey breath and sleepy eyed interesting juxtaposition of the Buddhist imagery and beat slang on the next line. Makes me think of Kerouac
A hep cat hipster in hemp cap
Gin and tonic gripped
Like a life preserver
“All you need is love” amen
And I wandered
Lost

I really like this piece, but you need to go through it with a fine toothed comb and add grammar. Separate the images, give it speed and momentum, pause, rest, a breath. Let the reader fill in the blanks and let the reader know that though the images are separate they all culminate into one piece. I suggest line breaks to avoid the wall of text issue and adding grammar. Grammar. Grammar. Grammar. Grammar.

But apart from that, nice work! I look forward to seeing more of your work