10-04-2014, 05:02 PM
Couple of comments from me.
on weather:
No need to explain the meaning. Anyone who didn't catch it within moments should be stoned publicly.
alabaster cliff is a tad cliché. You can keep it if you wish, but I think cliff falls right under skin for this modifier.
Stanza 3 L1:
Absolutely adore the fresh imagery, but my head tells me a horizon cannot be curved. maybe add mountainous for clarity? Not sure.
Four times you sigh like thunder in the last stanza. I adore repetition as much as the next person, but to me it does not represent the act of sex. You might sigh before and after but I bet during the middle you are pounding like it, or screaming like it. Just saying.
As far as Spleen goes, pretty much in love with the whole thing, but coming from tobacco country I can tell you that Marlboro Reds is a plural thing, not possessive.
cheers,
bena the town drunk....or idiot, depending on the day.
on weather:
No need to explain the meaning. Anyone who didn't catch it within moments should be stoned publicly.
alabaster cliff is a tad cliché. You can keep it if you wish, but I think cliff falls right under skin for this modifier.
Stanza 3 L1:
Absolutely adore the fresh imagery, but my head tells me a horizon cannot be curved. maybe add mountainous for clarity? Not sure.
Four times you sigh like thunder in the last stanza. I adore repetition as much as the next person, but to me it does not represent the act of sex. You might sigh before and after but I bet during the middle you are pounding like it, or screaming like it. Just saying.
As far as Spleen goes, pretty much in love with the whole thing, but coming from tobacco country I can tell you that Marlboro Reds is a plural thing, not possessive.
cheers,
bena the town drunk....or idiot, depending on the day.