10-04-2014, 01:53 PM
Thanks for the feedback! I'll take it on board and do some edits soon. The reason i chose the word ''this'' for the first stanza was due in part that the poem speaks of a specific thing or moment, and I felt the choice of word would help the reader realise that, to be caught in that. Of course the reader doesnt know what IT is but by the time they finish they should have some idea (ps. its fucking.)
I agree with changing forefront to fore.
The monsoon is humming. I will fix the grammar.
Leanne - yes the ''and'' is needed at the end, it is a leadup to the statement ''i sigh like thunder'', the anticipation I guess before the break, calm before the storm etc etc.
Regarding SPLEEN, the story behind it is rather interesting. I was in Melbourne 2 years ago on holiday and found myself at this place called the Spleen bar, where the walls were covered in all the strange detritus that I wrote about. The poem came when I was there drinking a beer, sitting between a group of hideously boring economists who were arseholed on red wine and talking loudly about how the economy was in danger. They were so lively and loud and annoying that I had to turn my attention to this pair of lesbians next to me and then noticed the old codgers at the end smoking indoors (and yes they were smoking marlboro) so it became a stream of consciousness attempt to capture this surreal moment.
RE: service/subservience , read it out with a pause between the lines and a slightly jaded tone. I firmly believe that poetry should sound good as much as it should be well written, that may come from the fact that most of my work is actually read out live as opposed to read on paper.
I do agree with the reformatting of the 3rd stanza.
Seriously though, thanks for the feedback!
I agree with changing forefront to fore.
The monsoon is humming. I will fix the grammar.
Leanne - yes the ''and'' is needed at the end, it is a leadup to the statement ''i sigh like thunder'', the anticipation I guess before the break, calm before the storm etc etc.
Regarding SPLEEN, the story behind it is rather interesting. I was in Melbourne 2 years ago on holiday and found myself at this place called the Spleen bar, where the walls were covered in all the strange detritus that I wrote about. The poem came when I was there drinking a beer, sitting between a group of hideously boring economists who were arseholed on red wine and talking loudly about how the economy was in danger. They were so lively and loud and annoying that I had to turn my attention to this pair of lesbians next to me and then noticed the old codgers at the end smoking indoors (and yes they were smoking marlboro) so it became a stream of consciousness attempt to capture this surreal moment.
RE: service/subservience , read it out with a pause between the lines and a slightly jaded tone. I firmly believe that poetry should sound good as much as it should be well written, that may come from the fact that most of my work is actually read out live as opposed to read on paper.
I do agree with the reformatting of the 3rd stanza.
Seriously though, thanks for the feedback!
"Fuck Lord Byron! Mad, bad and dangerous to know; that's you!" - Strange old woman to me after a reading.