Colors of Emotion

[billy]

hi snipesrock,
first off let me say thanks for the feedback effort you're putting in. try and give some feedback outside the newb forum possibly in the novice or mild.

have to let my daughter use the pc so will be back with some feedback in a few minutes.
i'm back...

most of us were or are in the same boat when it comes to ability when we started out.

for a first poem it's excellent, as a poem in general it needs quite a bit of editing. look out for cliche, [common phrases] keep the words to a minimum till you get the hang of it. try and allow the reader to see what you see. or what you want them to see.
sorry if the feedback seems a bit full. just use of it want you want and discard the rest.

good first effort

I wrote this today, I'm not a good writer and I know it. I've rarely written anything, and nothing that I have ever in my life felt this connected to.


Blue and red swim together. the reader needs a lot more information, you know what you mean but the reader doesn't
Like the mouth of a river, and ocean.  the simile fails because they don't seem to swim together, a suggestion would be swirl or something else that describes a coming together,
They will be together, always and forever. always and forever are redundant really because the first part of the line implies them being together
Mixing and churning, like a sweet potion.  the simile feels as though it needs better word use in the latter part.

Every time I look upon it, my emotions become a raging sea. look upon them
Where I once thought I fit, now doesn't seem so free.  [where i fitted isn't as free]
This feeling I get is new and real.
Time wins this bet.
My walls, they seem to peel.