10-03-2014, 08:23 AM
Tamara,
" the landscape
drew cumulus green; (how and why does the landscape draw anything? Much less a "cumulus green, whatever that is.")
the full moon shattered,
falling in the dark night,
its pale glow ( If the full moon shattered how does it have a pale glow?)
fringed the head of trees,
fireflies
in the muted sky. (Why is the sky muted? Do you mean in sound, color, or some other way?)
my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images. (Once again how does the moon do anything if it has fallen? Ghost like images?)
I swept the rooms;
in the woods nearby
moss steadily crept
and consumed my backyard."
Sorry, this seems nonsensical. Sure I could try and interpret what you mean, but that's not the readers job. Despite that this is mainly an image conjuration it still needs to be intelligible. First sentence which I have turned into 3 for clarity's sake, and added some suggestion.
"The landscape drew cumulus green. (I don't see any connection between these two sentences. What connection is between the "landscape drawing and the moon shattering?) "The full moon shattered falling in the dark night. Its pale glow fringed the head of trees, like fireflies in a muted sky."
The minimum this needs is a way to say that the moon is still falling. Something like "and fell through the night sky like slow motion fireworks." It's hard to get the idea that the moon continues to fall throughout what you are describing. I had to read it several times to figure out what you were trying to say. In terms of the landscape drawing cumulus green", I've got nothing. I can deal with this being a magical realism poem written in an imagist style, but when you are describing something fantastical (as in not real), it needs to be handled very concretely. This is something that has never happened and the reader has no experience with, thus it is up to you to describe the scene clearly.
second sentence:
My backyard was outlined by the frayed edges of the moon's ghostlike images. (I think the use of "the moon's ghostlike images" is problematic. At the very least in number disagreement. Maybe some thing like "the splintered moon's images". Personally I'd leave out ghostly as it does not help the poem in any way, but you poem.
third sentence:
I swept the rooms in the woods nearby, while moss steadily crept and consumed my backyard.
If you do not have a good rationale for not writing grammatically, then you should write grammatically, such as beginning each sentence with a capitol letter. Your readers will thank you for it.
_________________________________________
I didn't read the other comments so if I am being redundant...
The idea behind this is a good one, however the presentation is less than adequate. You're leaving out information that the reader needs to make sense of this. Do not assume that the reader knows what you know. Don't throw out images that the reader has no ability to make sense of.
This critique is a bit longer than it should be for this section, but the idea appealed to me and I did not want it to get lost. Maybe when you've done an edit, you could post it in the "serious critique" section, or whatever they call it, or whatever they call it in this new rounded corners update of the BBS. It's like Windows XP all over again.
Dale
" the landscape
drew cumulus green; (how and why does the landscape draw anything? Much less a "cumulus green, whatever that is.")
the full moon shattered,
falling in the dark night,
its pale glow ( If the full moon shattered how does it have a pale glow?)
fringed the head of trees,
fireflies
in the muted sky. (Why is the sky muted? Do you mean in sound, color, or some other way?)
my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images. (Once again how does the moon do anything if it has fallen? Ghost like images?)
I swept the rooms;
in the woods nearby
moss steadily crept
and consumed my backyard."
Sorry, this seems nonsensical. Sure I could try and interpret what you mean, but that's not the readers job. Despite that this is mainly an image conjuration it still needs to be intelligible. First sentence which I have turned into 3 for clarity's sake, and added some suggestion.
"The landscape drew cumulus green. (I don't see any connection between these two sentences. What connection is between the "landscape drawing and the moon shattering?) "The full moon shattered falling in the dark night. Its pale glow fringed the head of trees, like fireflies in a muted sky."
The minimum this needs is a way to say that the moon is still falling. Something like "and fell through the night sky like slow motion fireworks." It's hard to get the idea that the moon continues to fall throughout what you are describing. I had to read it several times to figure out what you were trying to say. In terms of the landscape drawing cumulus green", I've got nothing. I can deal with this being a magical realism poem written in an imagist style, but when you are describing something fantastical (as in not real), it needs to be handled very concretely. This is something that has never happened and the reader has no experience with, thus it is up to you to describe the scene clearly.
second sentence:
My backyard was outlined by the frayed edges of the moon's ghostlike images. (I think the use of "the moon's ghostlike images" is problematic. At the very least in number disagreement. Maybe some thing like "the splintered moon's images". Personally I'd leave out ghostly as it does not help the poem in any way, but you poem.
third sentence:
I swept the rooms in the woods nearby, while moss steadily crept and consumed my backyard.
If you do not have a good rationale for not writing grammatically, then you should write grammatically, such as beginning each sentence with a capitol letter. Your readers will thank you for it.
_________________________________________
I didn't read the other comments so if I am being redundant...
The idea behind this is a good one, however the presentation is less than adequate. You're leaving out information that the reader needs to make sense of this. Do not assume that the reader knows what you know. Don't throw out images that the reader has no ability to make sense of.
This critique is a bit longer than it should be for this section, but the idea appealed to me and I did not want it to get lost. Maybe when you've done an edit, you could post it in the "serious critique" section, or whatever they call it, or whatever they call it in this new rounded corners update of the BBS. It's like Windows XP all over again.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.