10-02-2014, 01:22 AM
(10-01-2014, 04:39 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: Leanne speaks truththanks ray.
I DO like this poem. Love's dichotomy accepted.
At high tide, the sea spews forth -- <-maybe 'reveals', 'displays' ...
'until I spot a small celadon orb' <- i think something simpler would do
'than a recycled old sake bottle' <- fishing floats and orbs are spheres, but now it's bottle-shaped
ok, i'm picky, but it is a bit distracting... also eyes are spheres not bottles...
"Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye." <- yes, beautiful!
maybe the title should reflect some event in the poem, something about the relationship,
or your view of her, her fancies and how you love them... not mushy, but intimate
as to what you refer to here:
'than a recycled old sake bottle' <- fishing floats and orbs are spheres, but now it's bottle-shaped
ok, i'm picky, but it is a bit distracting... also eyes are spheres not bottles...
i guess what i was trying to do there was reference the float's origins (authentic Japanese floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles) rather than the actual shape, which clearly would be a sphere after re-purposing by the glass shop but maybe that isn't clear enough. food for thought!
and thank you for the ideas about the title, much appreciated.