10-01-2014, 04:39 PM
Leanne speaks truth 
I DO like this poem. Love's dichotomy accepted.
At high tide, the sea spews forth -- <-maybe 'reveals', 'displays' ...
'until I spot a small celadon orb' <- i think something simpler would do
'than a recycled old sake bottle' <- fishing floats and orbs are spheres, but now it's bottle-shaped
ok, i'm picky, but it is a bit distracting... also eyes are spheres not bottles...
"Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye." <- yes, beautiful!
maybe the title should reflect some event in the poem, something about the relationship,
or your view of her, her fancies and how you love them... not mushy, but intimate
I DO like this poem. Love's dichotomy accepted.
At high tide, the sea spews forth -- <-maybe 'reveals', 'displays' ...
'until I spot a small celadon orb' <- i think something simpler would do
'than a recycled old sake bottle' <- fishing floats and orbs are spheres, but now it's bottle-shaped
ok, i'm picky, but it is a bit distracting... also eyes are spheres not bottles...
"Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye." <- yes, beautiful!
maybe the title should reflect some event in the poem, something about the relationship,
or your view of her, her fancies and how you love them... not mushy, but intimate
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions